Quote:
Originally Posted by costello
Oh, bcuz, I'm so sorry. 
My son has been this way toward me for years, so I know how painful it can be. He goes back and forth between hating me and loving me. It's almost a barometer of how well he's doing. When he's sinking down, he starts getting really paranoid about me.
I think you're wise to give yourself (and him) some space right now. Take really good care of yourself. Do the things you enjoy doing. Then you just have to play it by ear. Something will happen that will let you know it's time to move again.
For example, one time (April-May 2008) my son started pulling away, then we lost contact altogether. My sister called me to say my son was making odd calls to her. He called and asked if I was capable of murder, for example. Then he called and told her a chunk of his brain had broken off and slid down his spinal column. I called him for a few days, left messages that were never returned, then I went to his apartment one Saturday night with my mom. We found him holed up there, paranoid and suicidal. He was very hostile toward me (that's why my mom was there!), but I stayed and kept talking until I found a way to get him to the hospital.
I've had to live by my wits for years.  We have this little dance where he gets close and then pulls away, and I have to sense when I can move and when I have to stay still. (That's why I agreed not to force meds/hospitalizations, btw. The paranoia it created in him was too much.)
I've just learned to use the away times to give myself a chance to rest. |
Thanks Costello, it is painful to have your son hate you when you love him so much.
I had that same experience in spring of 2008. MY son ended up being an involuntary admission. That was a very dark time for both of us. His pdoc had him so drugged he was close to catonia. Someone had disclosed to me that he had been cleared for ECT and scheduled for Mon.(this was Sat.) His pdoc would not return my calls. I had a big note put on the front of the chart that I wanted to meet with the pdoc and discuss ECT. Well, we had that meeting with Tom sitting next to me along with other staff members. His pdoc told me he he was discharging Tom from his care because I was getting in the way of his treatment! (How?) by "questioning MY treatment plan"! We hadn't even discussed ECT or anything else. He was Tom's pdoc for 3 1/2 yrs! His pdoc then made him a voluntary admit and handed him off to some other dr we didn't know. Of course Tom left the hospital AMA. (a lot happened after that)
You're right, Tom's trust in me went down the toilet. That's why he is paranoid of me because he knows I know that he is having a slight relapse(nothing like the one in 08'). I continually reassure him he won't have to go to the hosp. Doesn't matter the damage has already been done.