I don't use the word "phobia" here lightly and it's one of my only actual phobias. I think thunderstorms is the other. Otherwise I have a ton of anxieties, fears and scary things.

But it became very real to me last night how intense it was. Years ago I used to be in and out of psychiatric wards a lot. It's been 2-3 years since I have. Although times have warranted it. I am also part of an ACT team that helps me to stay out, because of my intense fear. The last six weeks of my C-PTSD have been truly terrible and finally I was desperate enough to enter a hospital. Go and sign myself in. But here I am typing to you.

We decided that I could no longer care for myself appropriately, that my risk of suicide was too high and that I couldn't even concentrate long enough to take my daily meds as prescribed.

So my therapist went with me on a Sunday night to the ER to sign in. I get there and I completely panic. My blood pressure hit 184/114 (and I'm always normal) and I can't stop panicking. I panicked so much that I can't even remember most of it. I remember at one point just throwing my shirt over my head and sobbing hysterically and screaming and trembling. And nobody was even touching me. But the very thought of being put in a hospital made me act like that. By the end of the night, 4 hours later they decided they couldn't possibly put me in a psychiatric hospital because in the long run it would make me much worse, even if initially it saved my life.

I have this fear, because of things that happened to me in hospitals.

(trigger)

Restraints that involved ripping off my clothes, and tying me to beds, on multiple occasions and one inserting catheters without consent. And the bruises they left behind. And the emotional abuse. If staff were upset in general, then it landed on patients. I've been called a cry baby, threatened to be "locked away forever" because I was crazy. Told that I'm only ill because my mommy didn't spoonfeed me enough, told that I wasn't worthy of the treatment I was getting. I was injected with enough medications (haldol, ativan) just to make me aggressive, so they had enough reason to restrain me. I've been kept in 5 points (yes 5 point) restraints for days on end because the facility wasn't up to par on the treatment of PTSD. The same facility allowed 6 grown men to restrain me, and rip my clothes off me as I fought till I couldn't breath anymore. I had ligature marks on my neck from them grabbing my shirt.

but now even if I really needed help, as I do currently I can't receive it, because of this.

Has anyone else ever had to deal with something like this?