I am sorry you seem to be struggling so terribly. Know that this is a good place to vent and get support. And it would be helpful to know a little more about what you're struggling with in order to offer any particular advice. I am encouraged that you don't feel like dying at this time, but the fact that you mention that leads me to believe that at times you do, and i would hope you don't hit that point again. I'm listening if you need to talk.