My ex and I for the most part have remained very good friends even though we know we will never have a romantic relationship again. We talk regularly on the phone and we consult each other a lot on work related issues. We met through our work, though not with the same employer. His organization provided services to the students at my college and we worked a lot together to develop new projects and inititatives for students and the community before and after we got together.

To be fair he has been very supportive of me over these last very difficult years. He has sent me extra money to help out and can be very supportive and understanding when I am going through hard times. On the flip side he can get frustrated and impatient and become very hurtful. He has a kind of Dr. Jeckel and Mr. Hyde thing going on. In our relationship I was always trying to keep Hyde from showing up.

To be honest I would have a problem with anyone moving into my home. I only let a very select few even come to visit. But yes, with him it is that much harder because I fall into old patterns that are really unhealthy for me. While I am very much a feminist thinker in my views and in my professional life, in relationships with men I fall right into the subservient role modeled by my mother's generation. While in my work I am very confident, outspoken and secure, in relationships with men I totally lack any confidence, I am very insecure and very meek.

I might mention that my ex is only the second relationship I have had in my life. I was 36 when I met him and hadn't had a significant relationship for almost 15 years before we met. I didn't like who I was when I was with a man so after one heartbreak I swore I would never marry. I thought I would some day have a child but I intended to raise him or her on my own.

If you were to ask him his motives for coming back and moving in here he would say, with totally conviction that he would be doing it to help me out, particularly financially. Even though there would be advantages for him, by his way of thinking the greater advantage would be for me. I would like to be able to say what I honestly feel and that would be to say 'don't do my any favours. The price is too high.' but I can't because I think it would hurt his feelings or make him mad and I will do anything to avoid either. Sick hey. I can't really win for loosing any which way things go.

I have done that before, early on in our separation. It was a good strategy in those situations but I am not sure it would work with this. Perhaps there will be a time when it will be a good idea but for now I am letting time turn things around. He has a way of changing course so I guess I am just taking a wait and see approach.

If he would just not have such a short memory he would know it couldn't work out. His visit at Christmas was cut short because he lost his cool with our son and then with me. He couldn't wait to leave and we couldn't wait for him to leave. My son swore he would never talk to him again.

This visit has been much better with our son but has been much harder on me. Not because of anything he has said or done but just because I have so little capacity to cope with the constancy of the anxiety. But today he did loose it with me when I shared some news he didn't like. My Hyde came out and I won't even repeat the hurtful things he said.

I ended up leaving the house and going to the river to try to regroup. Of course he apologized when I returned and I said I understood. blah blah blah. He just has to know it won't work out to live here again. I mean, DAH!!

Anyways tomorrow he heads back up to see his sister before flying home. We will part on a good note and carry on carrying on. Until I give myself permission to hold myself first in my life. Or something to that effect.

I know I have once again made a novel out of my response so I will come back again to respond what you shared about your work situation. There is much I can relate to and I totally get how your own confidence can be effected by the situation you are in. I do hope that somewhere in there you will find your own voice and sense of confidence in your talents once again.