I am new to PsychCentral and have struggled with an anorexia/bulimia for 8 years. I have had three children in that time frame and I always was able to use them as my motivation for eating more healthy while pregnant and nursing. Yet I only gained 15 lbs each pregnancy because I was terrified of anymore weight. Well after my last child I had my tubes tied and am done having children and since then I feel like I have lost any reason to take care of my body. I was diagnosed with a brain tumor last year and had a dozen rounds of steriroids which caused me to gain weight and then was in the hospital two weeks after surgery and they wouldnt let me go home if I didn't eat properly. Now I cant even stand to look at myself in the mirror because what I see discusts me and makes me want to die! I have been cutting my calories down, infact so far today I have eaten nothing, and I am working out 1-2 hours a day every day. I just want to be the sexy wife I know my husband wants and a beautiful mother for my kids. I also cut because I hate myself so much and can't handle all the feelings I have inside! I am seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist and neither know about the eating problems. I have been diagnosed with Major Deppressive Disorder and OCD and SI. I just dont think I can tell them because I am not ready to stop, I have to get to my desiered weight! I have to or I am afraid I will do something more harmful to myself! Please help!