I hardly ever see my mother. see her a couple of times a year now, but for a long time (maybe 5 years) i wouldn't see her and wouldn't give her my phone number etc.

'enmeshment'. i think i understand that one.

my mother has intense emotional responses. and because i'm sensitive... when she has an emotional response it is like i catch it. and she is in pain a lot. and so i catch her pain. and it hurts :-(

and when i didn't 'catch' her emotion... she would try and induce it in me. not consciously... but she would do that.

and regarding boundaries... she didn't seem to know where she ended and i began. i remember something that used to recurr when i was a child... 'you are cold go and put a sweater on'.
'i'm not cold' (and i wasn't - i was running around)
'you must be cold GO AND PUT A SWEATER ON'.
because... she was cold you see.

and so for me...

it was like life was about catching her emotional state
her inducing her emotional state in me
(or an opposite so if she felt like people were out to get her then she could read my thoughts and she just KNEW I was thinking bad things about her)

and so for me...

it was so very hard for me to learn something about whether i'm cold or i'm not cold. how i feel. that kind of thing. and that was so hard for me to learn. and i still struggle with that a lot at times.

and privacy...

i had none. she would walk into my room whenever she wanted. she would go through my things. i started keeping a diary once until she went off at me for saying stuff about her.

she didn't know how to do it differently.
i appreciate that now.
but as a kid...
i didn't understand. i didn't understand why i hurt so much and why i didn't understand how i felt the way i did like other people why i didn't know whether i was cold or hot like other people why i wasn't allowed to do anything why i didn't have any space why i hurt so much.

and i guess...

it takes time.

i still find it really very hard to see her. because it brings it all back. but what is hardest for me is that she hasn't progressed on any of this and she is still just the same. she KNOWS how other people feel respond think etc because she projects herself onto them. and through sheer force of personality / emotional state...

i would say...

to just work on yourself

and in time...

you might be able to have a relationship.

it is hard...
hurts all round.