*********possible trigger**********

i dont want to trigger anyone i swear i really dont but im about to explode. im new to this site well i joined in january but couldnt post until a few days ago. i have been self harming for at least 15 years and its like a vicious cycle i cant break. i can go months even made it a year once without having to use it as a coping mechanism but those times have become fewer and farther in between.

i have multiple diagnosis and it gets complicated for me to keep it together. i am a sex abuse survivor from age 4 (that i can remember) until i was able to leave home at 18. i came from a super religious family and my abuser father was a youth minister. he did do prison time for what he did to myself and my cousin but was welcomed back into the church after he got out of prison he is a registered sex offender and noone seems to care.

my diagnosis are Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression, Bulimia, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, and Dissociative Identity Disorder

i wanted to sortof introduce myself well say something about myself before i just dumped a crisis mode on this group. ive been on a Self Injury binge as i call it for almost 3 days now. i will cut just for the sake of cutting it seems. i dont like to express emotions it was practically forbidden growing up and tears were only shed when you were begging for forgiveness for your sins. i dont think i know how to properly express any type of emotion even happiness. im trying hard to stop harming altogether but it seems just getting through one day is a major struggle.

i just want to stop it. its to the point i cut words in my skin because i hate myself so much. i know that what im doing is taboo and very much misunderstood. i have scars all over from upper arms to ankles and pretty much everywhere in between. i am ashamed of it but also feel powerless to stop. i am in therapy and he is really awesome he has been working so hard with me and the parts i hold inside but yet the self harm seems to be my only outlet for emotions.

all i want is one day that it doesnt cross my mind much less give in to the urge and do it. to me i feel it has become a habit like drugs and because ive been doing it so long when i do try to contain the urge its like going through withdrawels. i do have therapy tomorrow and would like to not be wearing bandaids from fresh marks when i walk in there in the morning but from the way its looking now even trying to post here get it out the urge has not lifted and im afraid before i see him tomorrow i will cut again god i feel so pathetic