I was urged by job counselor at Voc. Rehab, back in Nov. 2009, to apply for SSDI. (Not the first time I was recommended to do this.) This very good woman even referred me to a particular person at an agency (Resources for Independent Living) who was eager to help and advised that I would probably have my claim approved (eventually.)

I didn't pursue this and regained employment in Feb. 2010. By April, I was unemployed again. I had savings and lived off that thinking it would help me recover mentally. In August 2010, the company that let me go wouldn't provide verification of discharge for the Food Stamp People, but I got the EBT(food stamp) Card anyways.

I filed a claim for Unemployment Insurance Benefits just to force the company to make a statement about discharging me. To my shock and amazement, the Claims Adjudicator approved my claim for benefits over the objections of my former employer (who is appealing the decision.) I get $193/week.

I've been distraught trying to find employment because I have no good recent references. I was with that company since Jan. 1996, but they won't return calls, and I expect they are really furious with me now. I am becoming severely distressed and depressed. Even Volunteer Jobs want references.

I got advised by my regular doctor to apply for SSDI. I told him my new Case Manager said I had too much work experience and education to qualify. She said that going on SSDI would make me more depressed and that, surely, I could do something, if only "weaving basket."

When I certify weekly for my UI benefits, I state that I am capable of working. So I figure that means that I can't apply for SSDI at the same time. I can't say: "Yes, I can work and want to work." to one agency - then tell Social Security Administration that: "No I really can't hold down employment due to my psychiatric disability."

Meanwhile, I am close to insolvent. One thing I've learned is that, if I have a claim "pending" with Social Security Administration, then I qualify for some cash assistance. (My Case Manager said that it would be next to nothing, even if I got it.)

I am becoming dizzy in my head thinking: "Do I file claim for SSDI?" Does that mean I can't collect anymore Unemployment Insurance benefits? Shouldn't I forget all that and keep trying to find a job?

Surely, I could weave baskets. But, don't Basket Weaving Companies want to hire the fastest basket weavers? I have often been let go by employers who said that I just couldn't keep up with the pace. (This is in jobs that I used to do well.) Aren't all the baskets woven in China today?

I am all confused about what to do to keep from ending up on the street. At age 19, I got fired from a grocery store because I'm real bad at a cash register . . . and slo o o o w. That same year, I couldn't cope with working on an assembly line in an aerosol canning factory. I'm trying to see if I can get hired at Goodwill.

Also, I figure that applying for SSDI would be a humiliating process where I would be accused of just trying to be a leech. I would rather work. Without references, and with an erratic history (due to my psych problems), I don't think I'm going to find a job in time to avoid eviction.

I go in and out of despair. At age 58, I don't feel like I can cope anymore. I've had years and years of failure. I live alone and have to support myself with no help, no second income. I've always lived in low rent apartments to keep my income low. Never thought I might not have my rent money. I don't really have family that I'm close with. Certainly, they would not want to hear about my current circumstance. Years ago, I was told by relatives that being depressed is a choice.

I feel like I must have poor character that has caused me to manage my depression inadequately.