my parents are coming to visit us today. they will be here until Friday evening and are (thankfully) staying in a hotel.

my dad has cancer. a rare form of renal cancer that is usually fatal. the first chemo drug they tried on him did nothing and they are trying another now and hoping for the best.

he's been doing genealogy for 30 years and wants me to help him write a family history (which will also be a biography for him). so he is coming to visit to do some more research and also so we can talk more about the book.

so there's that...

I feel like a basket case. I have felt anxious over the past few days and nervous. I'm both excited to see them and also dreading it. but I feel like I have no reason to feel any thing but happy about it. so I don't know where the dread comes from - aside from feeling a bit awkward with them because I know that they disapprove of nearly everything about me from my hair color and piercings to the way I parent. but that has been ongoing since my teens, so I don't think that would cause these feelings so much now.

a couple nights ago, I actually wet the bed. it was very bizarre. despite having had 5 kids, I don't have ANY problems with incontinence. the only time that has happened in my adult life is when I'm pregnant and sleeping really hard and I always woke up in the middle of it (happened once late in each of my pregnancies) - but this was different. I didn't wake up from it, I didn't feel like I was sleeping all that hard... it was just like when I was a kid. waking up in a puddle. very alarming and embarrassing.

I have been keeping my Bible study group updated about my dad's cancer and a couple weeks ago one of the group members asked me if my dad and I are close. I felt stumped by the question. I didn't know how to answer. I didn't really feel like I could say yes, but it felt wrong to say no. you know?

this all feels really confusing to me. I don't remember my dad ever doing anything awful to me as a kid. sure, my parents spanked me when we were kids, and once or twice my dad used the belt. I remember being afraid of him, I remember him working a lot, I remember wanting to spend time with him - just the two of us - because it made me feel special...

anyway. I'm sure our visit will go fine and everything will be ok. I'm ready for it to be saturday.