About 4 years or so ago hubby and I made a decision to have an open relationship. This does not mean we go out and date other people, just that we are open to enjoying other peoples company. That is the best way for me to put it right now.

Anyhow, a few years back I started a relationship with another man and my hubby. This was supposed to me a 1 time thing. Just for fun, kicks, whatever. This relationship lasted about 2 years. In that time, I developed feelings for this guy. Strong feelings. So much so, I had to cut off the relationship and not subject myself to face to face encounters with him for about a year. After several months, feelings were still there, but not seeing him made it easier to deal with.

I did see him prior to leaving for Texas, and yes, my mind wandered but the feelings were really not nearly as strong as they once were.

This past week, this person came out to Texas to visit for 5 days and I have completely regressed back to a puddle of mush.
I was handing myself pretty well the first few days. Uncomfortable in some ways, in other ways I was totally at ease. I did get myself upset the 2nd day and had some stomach isses, nausea and the other (ewwww).

Last night we decided to go out, all of us, hubby, myself, this friend and his friend which happens to be a girl and she is aware of our past. I know, like a soap opera. Anyway, there was a period of time last night where he and I were alone and he asked me if I ever thought about him. I told him yes, more then I care to talk about. I told him that getting over him was one of teh hardest things I have ever had to do and seeing him again, was kinda a test of my strength. He asked me how strong I was............I said not very. He ended the convo by saying, he thinks about me too, all the time and has always wondered if I did the same.

Hearing this was devistating for me on so many levels. First, I love my husband and having these feeling resurface makes me feel guilty. My husband is my heart, my soul and I would never intensionally hurt him in anyway. That is why I ended the relationship with the other person to protect what my husband and I had.
I am pretty sure that I do NOT love this other person but I miss him. I think about him. I like him and enjoyed his company so much. I care for him so very, very much. I have spent much of the day crying. I cant even go out back because it hurts to see where he was sitting less then 24 hours ago.

I know that I brought much of this on myself, not intensionally. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and do it all over again, but oddley, I have absolutly no regrets. I only regret that I allowed myself to get too emotional for him.