The love of my life and I no longer live together. But, we were still very, very close.

This has been an over 20 year relationship. We are in our mature years.

We moved out West from the East coast together years ago. Lived together for years, split, back together, split. Never split as couple just living arrangement. He has handicap accessible apartment in nice place where I know he would be okay if something happened to me. (His income very low.) He can drive and walk well enough to do his own errands and gardens and cooks. He is thriving.

I'm in bad shape and have lost my good income, got fired. I am deeply depressed. In this condition, I avoid him because me being depressed has always annoyed him. (When I'm not depressed, he thinks I'm great.)

I had been staying away from him for 2 weeks. Last night, I went to his place and he made me dinner and it felt good to not be alone. Then I became despondent.

He suggested I go back to the East coast (permanently) and see if family will take me in. I have two sisters there and they would not like it, at all, if I showed up with no where else to go.

I am devastated and I believe he is no longer in love with me. That leaves me exceedingly alone in this world and that can become insupportably lonely.

He advised I clear out my apartment and drive back East.

I cared for this man through alcoholism, stroke, heart surgery, spinal surgery. I am in agony in my grief over feeling unloved. He cares. But not so deeply as I have wished to believe.

I feel cast off and I am in agony.