Hi Michelle!
This REALLY struck a nerve with me, because it's the exact argument my partner and I just had recently! ..and it's something I know we can both be guilty of. We're now trying really hard to say to each other, "don't put me in a position where I'm comforting you, when you did something wrong! I'm the wronged person, I should be the one comforted." And we've worked really hard to hear the other one when they say that.
...and it's working pretty well. We both really want to treat each other well, but we sometimes need to remind each other of what's appropriate to ask for in a relationship. If your partner is putting you in a position where you can never be mad at her, or never express it when you are, that's not right. Every body is going to make mistakes, and you should feel able to express yourself to her, just like she does to you. For her to manipulate your responses (whether she means to OR NOT) is not fair treatment of you.
It can be difficult because you do feel so bad about all the things that have happened in her past. However, you disrespect her when you condescend her and assume she can't handle things. When you treat her as your equal, and are honest with her, you show her much more respect, even if it feels like you're being mean sometimes.
Michelle
Quote:
Originally Posted by michelle421
so glad this forum was started!  i do think that partners need a lot of support too. i feel like i just have a bit on my mind, so i might just write it out here.
i have been thinking a lot lately about something my therapist said when we were discussing some of the issues i have with my partner. it's hard for me to speak out about my feelings a lot of the time because i become afraid of what my partner's response will be - a lot of the time feelings of shame take over and it halts any sort of progress the conversation could be making. suddenly it's all her fault and she is a terrible person and she deserves to hurt for [whatever happened]. instead of actually talking about the issue at hand, i am taken off course and start feeling like i have to soothe my partner and tell her that it will be ok.
it's hard to deal with the shame and the anger and the evil life lessons that come with my partner's life story. she should be angry at what happened. i just really want to help her continue to grow and move forward.
what really strikes me about what my therapist was trying to tell me is that apparently, the dynamics in our relationship could be called abuse.  that is the word my t used... to describe the fact that i am silenced - not talking about my feelings or thoughts - because of my fear of (or feeling like i need to control) her response.
it's just so hard to deal with the shame that takes over her. i do feel for her and want to help.... and i know that just staying silent isn't going to help (for example, not talking about how upset i was when she gave a terribly inappropriate verbal lashing at someone in public. her rage is an issue, but i dont know how to address it.) i know she has work to do on her own issues, and sometimes i dont know where my helping ends and her work should begin. i know i can't make her get better, but i do want to support her. it's just so hard to be around her rage in public, i shy away and feel terrible but don't say anything at all. 
i just can't quite wrap my head around the word 'abuse' ....i guess i can see where my t is coming from, but... i don't know. it just doesn't seem right to me. i feel that my partner's DID creates such complex situations. i know she has been hurt badly in her life, but that doesn't excuse her inappropriate behavior, and it doesn't mean that she is incapable of having an adult relationship with me - we often do have a healthy and balanced relationship. but... there are also a number of times where we do not have an balanced, adult relationship.
anyway... just hoping to find a place to talk about some of these issues. i'm very glad to have started going to a partners support group in my area, but they only meet once per month.  |