I know I said I was leaving but things haven't been going well. I guess I need to keep my last lifeline to some sort of help open. I feel the need to apologize to the entire community for taking too much and not contributing enough.

It doesn't seem to matter what I do, I always seem to hurt people. I want to help, want to care, want to be happy but I no longer think these things are possible at the moment. I am not enough of myself anymore to be able to give like that. I have become a knot of open wounds and old damage that won't unravel. I need help.

That being said, I will be largely silent here for the forseeable future, perhaps even deactivating my account, I haven't decided yet. I need to figure out if I'm the one who is toxic, and what my patterns are. All I know is right now, all I want to do is give up, to be what people seem to expect of me, an unfeeling automaton. I want to kill my soul, whatever parts of myself that makes me who I am. It's the only way I can see to stop the pain.

I am sorry for my effect on people here, if I have triggered anyone or if I have hurt, it was so far beyond my intentions to do so. I wanted to try to come here to make a positive change in my life but my life has gotten so much worse I can't seem to move in that direction.

To everyone I have ever hurt, I am sorry. To everyone who I have taken from without giving back, I am sorry. To my daughter who can't ever understand the depth of what I hav experienced and has suffered because of my mistakes and issues, I am sorry. To my best friend, whom I have failed so utterly, I am sorry. To everyone I have loved and failed, I am so sorry. To one person here in particular, I am sorry for not being able to overcome my damage.

To everyone my life and issues have impacted, I am so sorry. I wanted to be so different for everyone, I'm simply not strong enough.

Best wishes.