Thank you all for your responses. I am so disjointed right now nothing makes sense. I feel the need to apologize for so much yet I don't even know what for, for the most part. I just know I have done something wrong to be in the place I am now. Every fiber of my being tells me I have screwed everything up in such a way that my very existence is not worthwhile and futile.

It is all so overwhelming, I don't know how to cope with all these feelings, it's like so much coming down at once from old tapes to new, old scars, old abuse, loneliness, living alone again for the first time in seven years, flinching at every damned shadow and every touch from even inanimate objects. I am feeling years worth of beatings and yelling all at the same time, like a maelstrom inside my head that cannot be denied.

I am shaking so much I can only concentrate to type in short bursts or I would type more. I just want it to stop but there's no way to achieve that right now.