Hi, So It Goes, I don't think we've met before.
Quote:
Originally Posted by So It Goes
... Every fiber of my being tells me I have screwed everything up in such a way that my very existence is not worthwhile and futile.
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It's obvious from what you say, that
something is telling you that. From here, though, it doesn't sound at all like every fiber of your being.
It sounds just like you being very very hard on yourself.
A few weeks ago you wrote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by So It Goes
Not really adding anything to this thread other than using it as a way to help deal with what I am feeling. Had a bad personal meltdown today. It's only three hours from a major presentation and I still have so much to do, yet no motivation to do it.
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You seemed to be apologizing there for using PC exactly for its intended purpose. That left me wondering what more you thought you
should have added to that thread. The same goes for what you wrote above:
Quote:
Originally Posted by So It Goes
I feel the need to apologize to the entire community for taking too much and not contributing enough.
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I don't think you're in a good position to tell when you're "taking" and when you're contributing. By the way... if there were no one to accept contributions, what would be the point of contributing?
Before that you wrote, about your work situation:
Quote:
Originally Posted by So It Goes
While on the surface everyone is supportive, I can sense frustration.
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No doubt you can, but can you really distinguish
whose frustration you're sensing? You sound like you're sitting on a lot of frustration of your own. If you were to find yourself looking at the world through frustration-colored glasses, wouldn't everyone look frustrated? Would you be able to tell who actually was and who wasn't?
Quote:
Originally Posted by So It Goes
I am overwhelmed easily by my emotions right now, often times "shutting down" for extended periods of time, unable to focus or think cohesively. Unfortunately, this problem is compounded by my field. I am a programmer, so I have to retain focus and clear thinking in order to complete my tasks and come up with creative solutions, which is what put me in this position of leadership in the first place.
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(If anyone wonders where I'm getting these, just click on the
links in the quotes.)
Quote:
Originally Posted by So It Goes
All I know is right now, all I want to do is give up, to be what people seem to expect of me, an unfeeling automaton.
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You may already have noticed that that would be about 180° from a solution. You say you're (understandably) having a hard time being creative under pressure and you'd like to deal with it by, in effect, giving up being creative. If you were to do that, though, wouldn't it leave you with just the pressure?
Quote:
Originally Posted by So It Goes
I need to figure out if I'm the one who is toxic, and what my patterns are.
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You're right --
you need to figure it out, so my answer may be irrelevant or worse and you may want to skip over it:
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.
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I think the way you're being hard on yourself is definitely toxic to you. I suppose some of it might eventually rub off on someone else, too, but the first result is going to be that there's less of you available.