Hello Vickie, and welcome to PC.

Firstly, you are SOOOOOOO NOT ALONE!!!! I can relate, in one way or another to nearly every part that you wrote about, and I know of others here on PC who could possibly also. Of course, my experiences differ to yours, but if experiences were put as 'subject headings', then at the surface our experiences would look very similar.

I have found PC to be invaluable. There are such amazing, thoughtful, caring, insightful ppl here that are so willing to share their knowledge, experiences and heart. One of the things that PC gave me (the DD Forum specifically) was the language in order to communicate better about myself and my energies (our name for parts), words like 'system', 'host' and 'core' etc. The biggest thing it has given me is the knowledge that all DID people have their own individual style/set-up/type/etc of internal system of alters and that there is no right or wrong way of being DID. I am accepted here for the way I am, and I accept all others here for the way they are.

If you are new to forum-style web sites, my only comment is that responses are not immediate. I remember I would check almost hourly when I first started posting (after a time of 'lurking' ) anxiously waiting for a connection with another human being so that I wouldn't feel so alone. Patience is needed, and for me I have made it into a good practice for those times when I am in crisis, to know that I need to breathe and be patient, get what I need out of my head and when I wake up tomorrow, chances are someone has sent me a hug and let me know that I have been heard and understood. And sometimes that is all I need, is to be heard and understood.

I want you to know that I hear you, I hear your pain, your angst, your isolation and your confusion. I too am a mum with DID. I have three children, my boy just turned 5, and I have two daughters, 2yo and 10mths. I am our system's current host and mother to the 10mth old. I consider myself a specially appointed guardian of the older two children as they are 'not mine'. We are many, and regardless of how we feel about the children and what degree of attachment or not we have with them, we all answer to mum (we all accept that they are in our lives and depend on us). Am I a bad mum? My children are loved and wanted (by many of us, but also by their father and extended family), clean, fed, clothed, and healthy. Yes, they have challenges at home that most other children don't have, but I do my darndest to seek help from every available direction to make sure they (and me) are safe. I am not a perfect mum, but I would do ANYTHING for my children to protect them. They will never suffer like I did. Just because we have mental health challenges, doesn't make us lesser parents.

I hope you are feeling a little less alone knowing that there are other DID mum's out there who are facing similar challenges to you, with SI and much more. Please feel free to PM me (private message) any time. If you look in my profile at my past posts and threads, you may find some info there useful that are parenting related?

I look forward to seeing you more here and getting to know all of you better.

kp