So sorry you are hurting Vickie.

I have read some of your other posts here on the DD forum too.

Acceptance has been the hardest part for me thus far, as to accept my diagnosis was a double edged sword. It was good on one hand as it explained the previous misnomers of my life and gave me my first real opportunity for healing after 20+ years in the mental health system, but definitely so not good on the other as there is much more to 'accept' than just a diagnosis when faced with DID.

Now, as part of my healing journey with my T's, I am doing DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) and acceptance work is part of that. I just wanted to share this bit with you and if you have heard it before, then to offer you a reminder, in the hope it may help somewhat as I found it to help to start to chip away at the denial walls for me...

- You have to make an inner COMMITMENT to accept.
- The COMMITMENT to accept does not itself equal acceptance. It just turns you toward the path. But it is the first step.
- You have to turn your mind to acceptance OVER and OVER and OVER again. Somtimes, you have to make the commitment many times in a the space of a few minutes.

The last one helped me enormously as I thought it was just me that was too stupid to even hold the thought of acceptance in my mind long enough to make any real changes or to finally get on the healing train. Accepting 'all' of me (which, mind you, I still have days where I am back to COMMITTING to accept) has definitely helped us finally move forward.

We have energies that we do not like, are scared of, wish weren't there, all for various reasons but I found with accepting them, their power over me and their ability to rock me wasn't as great. It also opened the path to possible communication channels. This, of course, is just my experience. Please be sure to work with your therapist and discuss with him how you are feeling about reading emails to him that aren't 'your's' and how much impact this part is having on you.

Keep posting, we are listening...

kp