|
Well, as usual, I feel so much better after talking to my t!! She is so patient, and corrects my distorted thinking in such a kind way. She was very reassuring to me that she is not pushing me away or minimizing the therapy relationship. She said she hadn’t even been aware that she was taking more time off than she had in the past, or realized we had missed that many sessions. She put her hand up to her heart and said, “I hold you right here, and our work right here, even when we aren’t physically together. I care about you, and that doesn’t change when we miss a session. The relationship doesn’t change. It stays the same.”
She didn’t seem to think reducing sessions was a good idea. She told me that I was telling her conflicting things, that on one hand, I was telling her that the separations were very painful and hard to tolerate – and on the other hand, I wanted more of the same by cutting down sessions. I told her that it was like taking a bandaid off, if this is where we are at in our work together (me needing to separate), then I want to just rip the bandaid off and get the suffering over with. She told me that she is not trying to get me to separate. In fact, she said, “From my point of view, what I experience is that, just as soon as we develop enough trust and safety to begin using our relationship to start working more deeply on your issues, you get the idea that I want to push you away.” She wondered if it might be me who wants to push her away, due to my fear of feeling attached and fearing loss when she retires? I told her I wasn’t sure.
I said because she didn’t respond to parts of my messages about my attachment to her, and how I feel about our relationship, then I felt like she was discouraging it, and trying to let me know that she didn’t want me to fee attached to her. She said that is not at all what she was trying to do.
After awhile, we figured out that sometimes I just need to hear her “tell” me that she cares about me and/or remind me that we are still connected even when I’m not going to be seeing her for awhile. I just need to hear her acknowledge it, because when she doesn’t respond to how I feel about her, or tell me she cares, I start to get scared that maybe I’m losing our relationship. It all goes back to that thing about holding the relationship inside, and how it’s hard for me to do. I need reassurance that our relationship is solid and she won’t forget about me or stop caring even if we have breaks in our work together.
She told me that she thinks she shows her caring by her actions (and gave some examples). But I told her that sometimes, a part of me needs to hear verbal reassurance. She told me that I have permission to let her know when I need to hear that reassurance. I feel good about that!
Toward the end of the session, she asked me if there was something I was needing at the end of sessions that would help me keep the connection with her. I wasn’t sure what to say. Sometimes, I think I need a hug, but other times, that would feel too close. Sometimes, I just need to get a feeling inside of her caring. Maybe just the verbal reminder of the connection at the conclusion of the session would be enough?
I know that when I feel sure and good about her caring about me, then I leave feeling stronger and don’t need as much contact between sessions. It is like the insecure child part of me is warm and satisfied. I guess I need to figure out how to leave my sessions feeling connected. Then I won’t feel insecure or desperate for connection in between. I will know that nothing is going away during that time. I told R. I would like to be able to bring up that warm safe feeling on my own when I am not with her. But sometimes it just won’t happen. So we are going to try to figure out how to help me leave my sessions feeling that way.
I can totally see how, in the long run, the goal is for me to internalize that caring inside of me, so I can carry it around and let it sustain me, even when we aren’t meeting anymore. I truly “get” the concept, and that is where I hope to be when we terminate. But the many missed sessions was starting to interrupt the connection too much (in my mind) and I think I was trying to tell R. that I needed reassurance from her that all was well with us. It wasn’t so much that I needed coping skills – because I knew logically that I could get myself through the week without her. The problem was that I needed help to know that, in the absence of the sessions, I wasn’t “losing” anything.
I know it sounds crazy, but a part of me has a really hard time realizing that my connection with t is not dependent on constantly seeing or hearing from her. That it just “is.” R. gave me that reassurance yesterday. I think if I can remind myself of that when I get these separation triggers, then maybe I can calm myself down and not freak out. I need a way to remind myself that the awful internal feeling that R. is gone, or the relationship is gone, is coming from the past, and my body and mind are reacting with that same “panic” I used to feel when my mom went away. But it’s not really happening in the present moment. R. hasn’t gone anywhere, or the relationship with her. It stays intact despite the breaks in our sessions.
My t also told me that when she suggests me using coping skills, she is not saying "Just go help yourself, and don't expect my help." She is emphasizing that, yes, she knows missing sessions is hard for me, and that it triggers my separation feelings from childhood. . .and so using those coping skills will help me learn to tolerate the pain that comes with the separation triggers. It's not an either-or thing (either she helps me, or i am on my own completely trying to help myself). It's not black and white. But that's the way my mind works!!
For example, if my t suggests I use coping skills, i assume she is dismissing the relationship factor of therapy. If she is physically there with me, a part of me assumes the relationship is intact -- but when not with me, it is in danger of disappearing. (Very distorted thinking, since we have worked together 10 years!) It's like, when my separation issues get triggered, my cognitive reasoning doesn't work! I seem to be able to only understand a matter by forming a contrast or polar opposite. Or i understand one situation is being true by assuming that some other situation is false. I'm finding it to be very odd, and I'm not sure that i think this way normally, when i am not triggered!!
Sorry this is so darn long. . .I'm kind of thinking out loud.
I feel like i learned alot from my session.
|