Hmmm. . .so maybe this is why my t keeps saying that we need to address the early separation traumas with my mom.

I keep telling t, "But i don't feel separation pain with my mom! I feel it with you! So it can't be about mom. I don't feel anything emotionally when i think about mom."

But the separation pain and anxiety that keep getting triggered by what t says and does. . .that pain and anxiety is an automatic reaction that i learned way back then with mom. The reaction started in the past. And every time in the present that i get a reminder of something that feels similar with t (rejection, abandonment), I react the exact same way!

Now it really falls into place with me why part of my diagnosis is Complex-PTSD. Think about a war veteran. They've been in battle and faced situations where they thought they were going to die. Now fast forward into the present. They hear a car backfire, and they automatically react in great fear, ducking down, hiding, crying, etc. Something in the present (the car backfiring) triggered the earlier trauma (facing possible death in combat). But the reaction of fear doesn't fit the present. They are not in danger now. But it "feels" exactly the same. It "feels" like they are in danger all over again. So every time anything happens that reminds them of the past trauma (such as car backfiring, fireworks, etc.), they react with the same fear.

I really get it. I understand why my t says my reactions are linked with my past triggers. But it's weird that it doesn't feel that way. I don't feel those intense reactions when i think of my parents. Maybe it is like the war veteran that feels numb when he thinks about the war he was in. He doesn't really feel anything because his mind has somehow disconnected his emotions from it. But when something happens in the present to trigger the past fear, it all comes bursting out.