My husband says maybe just as my t and I make some progress, I find a way to sabotage the therapy by finding a reason to get upset with her. Usually it's because i think she is pushing me away when she is not doing that. He says maybe i sabotage myself and the therapy because i know that getting better means i will lose my relationship with t. So a part of me doesn't want to get better.

Hmmm. . .I have to think about that some more. I know that I DO want to get better. Never would i have spent so much time and money pursuing painful therapy if i didn't want to get better. I really have and do work hard at it! But I also know that sometimes, when my h and t talk about how good I'm doing, my feelings of being proud of myself soon turn into feeling depressed and anxious.

Maybe i am really scared of moving forward because moving forward means moving through the separation stuff with t -- which is where my traumas with mom came from. Only this time, t wants me to go through the attachment and separation stuff with her and have it go right, so when we terminate, it feels good and healthy and i can go and still feel connected, instead of feeling abandoned.

It's just SOOOOO HAAAAARD because relationship with t brings up so much old pain and anxiety. . .stuff i don't want to feel or face!!! Every time i have any tiny inkling that t is moving away from me, i freak out and want to reduce sessions or stop going. I keep seeing abandonment where it isn't. I keep suffering the pain of it, when there's no abandonment going on in the present!! It's like my mind has to keep re-creating the abandonment and then suffering about it. . .but it's not happening.

So weird. . .