New to this particular forum. Thought this might be the right place to vent this. Or not.

Without going in to the gory details, I'll just say that my childhood can best be characterized as one filled with PHYSICAL - EMOTIONAL - and SEXUAL ABUSE. At the hands of my parents & strangers. When my parents weren't handing out the beatings and their own special brand of torture, they were unavailable - emotional neglect. So much so that when I was sexually abused by a stranger in a public restroom at about age 6, I had already figured out there was NO ONE to tell about that - for fear I'd be blamed. Enough history...

My father is still alive at age 85. I have stopped all contact with him since before Thanksgiving other than the occasional phone call. Well, yesterday - after receiving a rambling message from him (deliberatly didn't answer it, when I saw it was him) I decided to - later in the day - call him back to see if he was ok. Sure enough, after less than 10 minutes on the phone with this man, I was reduced to a 6 year old boy being scolded by his father - not heard - not considered - not cared for. Only what HE wants...

After getting off the phone I was ANGRY - I mean "pacing the floors angry." Wanted to hit something - saying to myself "Screw that crazy old MFer!" Tears - snot - the whole thing. A HOT MESS!! Did what I always do - smoked too much and ate about a 1 lb box of caramel popcorn. That was dinner... And this morning "The Tape" was playing again. The tape that says to me "This world is a scary, intimidating place." "No one gives a damn - and neither should you."

How is it STILL possible, after all these years, for a 57 year old man with over 3 years of therapy under his belt to STILL be reduced to a scared, angry, beaten little kid after a 10 minute conversation??? Over the PHONE???? God help me, but I just wish he would DIE. I know that sounds terrible, but it's the TRUTH!

I don't know if this "qualifies" for PTSD or not but what I DO KNOW is the events of growing up in that home - with those people - still haunt me today. And effect me in the most profound ways imaginable.

Any insight would be appreciated.

Lavalamp