So, I told M. I told him about my doubts, about how I was feeling a gap in our relationship... I told him and at first he was cool and thinking I was venting or something when what I really needed was some answer, wanted him to tell me I was wrong and that he was indeed capable of making me fall in love with him again...
But when he started to see where our conversation was going he gave up, not even tried to fight as I was hoping he would. I love him so much but there was just something wrong, something missing... passion, fireworks... i don't know... I was just feeling trapped in a good but not fullfilling relationship with this guy who was turning more into a friend than the man of my dreams.
So, why does it hurt so much? Why do I feel so terrible for telling him I didnt want to pretend and see if the gap would be filled again bc I ain«t sure it would?
God, never saw him cry like today but still he showed me what I was saying all along... he doesn't love me enough to fight for me, to make me more than comfortable, to make me happy.
So I think I did the right thing...or did I?
I feel guilty for not holding on at least to after his birthday (three weeks from now)...and for not having the strenght to try anymote and find a way to fill the gap.
I'm so selfish to fill relieved also?
Feeling so depressed right now... wishing to hide under the coverts and pretend the world doesn't exist like the old days.
I regret the way I did it..so unexpectably but I was so miserable and guilty bc of my doubts and felt it wasn't fair to him either to think everything was perfect when it wasn't... but I never thought he would give me up so easily... I truly thought when I when to talk to him that he would have some insight, something to tell me that would change things but he just looked at me and said "Maybe I'm not the man for you even if I wish I were because I treat you as I would any girl I called a girlfriend... and you say you need something more to keep yourself in love. so maybe this is for the best."
I've my heartbroken... and I caused it to myself.
How can you love someone so much but fall out of love with him, after only one year? was it the age gap (I'm 21, he's 29), was it that we knew each other forever (15 or + years) or maybe what is so perfect on paper isn't in reality?
=(
Thank you for "listening" to me venting