I would have to say that yes, you are dealing with PTSD but you should go to http://www.bullyonline.org/stress/ptsd.htm and read that article by Dr. Scaer. Because I think that you may have COMPLEX PTSD.

This article had sent me in the right direction and he has a book as well.

The other thing that you need to understand about that age group of people is that they really did not know how to raise children. In that group of people, often times when they dealt with dicipline it entailed spanking or hitting a child. And unfortunately they came from a time when most children were to be seen and not heard and they got spanked etc.

I can think of my own father who is around that age and his relationship with his son, my brother. And my brother I think had ADD and his own children have learning issues. But, I can remember seeing the frustration in my father as he tried to deal with my brother. And, unfortunately it involved spanking, hard spanking and there was so much friction between them. I could say that you could very well be my brother by what you say.

But one day I had a talk with my father and it was when he was looking back on the way he raised his son. He felt terrible because he didn't understand why my brother was always acting out and hard to handle.
And he almost went to tears because he felt he failed his son. I could see that he was man, just a man who didn't know how to raise a son and I also knew that he had seen some abuse himself.

So, before you stomp and get too angry. Remember that your father is just a man and he clearly did not know how to raise a healthy son.

There is something very different about Father's and son's relationships.
The son can grow up very bitter, very deep inside. There can even be a longing to show the man that did the damage how bad he really was and that inspite of how bad he was you were a success.

But now you see an old man who is still the same man. If only he were younger and you could physically battle him, you feel inside. Now he is too old but he still carries a threat, a bad memory from your past.

Part of your healing will include recognizing what was really there. That this was just a man, not a king. He may have ruled over you when you were young, but now your anger shows that you are still letting him rule over you. When you can learn, not to let this happen it will a path to healing.

It is a troubling path and there will be triggers that you have to face, that you are not aware of. When you were pacing and so very angry, you were experiencing a trigger. Just to hear his voice and be near him is a trigger. But you can over come that. If you are able to really look at the truth. He was just a man not a king, he was a bad father, did not give you the respect you so needed. He didn't make your childhood feel safe, he never gave you credit for being his son. But, he most likely did not know himself how to be a DAD.

I feel so sad for so many in PC world. Most of them here have similar stories and they are dealing with damage from not having a good parent, not feeling safe, not being loved. After all, ANYONE CAN HAVE A CHILD, EVEN A CHILD CAN HAVE A CHILD.

And I see all these people trying so hard to overcome all the damage having a bad childhood has created for them. And they come here to give hugs and get hugs and be validated somehow as they struggle. Those hugs that were not there when they were growing up.

So, I offer you this to help you on your journey to understanding how to heal.

Open Eyes