on-line user:
I suspect you may be right that I am putting things in the worst possible context, due to pain/despondency. No, he never did love me exactly how I wanted him to, but who in the world gets that. He cares, but has an unfortunate knack for saying just the most ill-chosen words, at just the worst possible time. And he has done this to me so often that I am scarred by it.

No, I will not leave where I am. I have more available support from society's "social safety net" by staying here, because "length of residency" can impact benefits. I have almost free public health care now, due to low income, as a resident of the county I live in - because I am an established resident. These are the things he doesn't even consider when he spouts off. And he is not unintelligent. He panic's. When he sees me panicking, often he goes into panic mode. It's his nature. He's a born follower.

So many times in the past, though, I've had to cool-headedly strategize to extricate him from tough situations. I have been there for him really Big-Time in awful tough times. That's why it hurts so bad when he dismisses my plight with an inane suggestion, and then goes back to watching "Everybody Loves Raymond" and just chuckling away at the sit-com.

After 27 years (come April 15th), I doubt I'll ever separate from him. I just wish I felt wanted by him - as I've made him feel wanted, times when he had nothing to offer, except himself, whom I dearly loved.

I'm checking resources and working on decisions, that must not be made rashly. If anything I get paralyzed and am frozen from making decisions.

Today I am better than I was yesterday.

Thanks for kind replies from you both above.