Ok. Here I go with the venting.

I felt totally disconnected today. This formal/no formal speaking my T is "playing" is just killing me, and today it reached it's worst. I mean: we agreed like one month and half ago we could have gone formal while we address each other, but she's forgiving it nonstop and she's switching it to a way/another. This not only is confusing me (how am I supposed to address her?!), but it makes me believe she's not paying attention to me at all, or at least not the attention I need . (flashback: ) When I bring up first time ever about this topic (that I was hearing her addressing other patients even my age more formally, and it somewhat made me felt inferior to them), I talked about it like it was the most important thing in the world for me, for a lot of other reasons about me and my past... I didn't even made a request about it, and SHE decided we could have change our way of addressing each other. Only to have this results.

So while usually she was starting one way, and ending another, today it was all formal. It all felt so distant and fake. And worst of all, I felt like she totally forgotten me. I always think she cared more than just somebody I pay to listen me... but today she just looked and felt like that. Like a machine. Or like it was just our 3rd or 4th week of therapy (that's like two years now, for the record).

I don't know if I'll have the strenght to clarify all this stuff next session. There's even other things that I omitted and may be relevant (especially about the general distance I felt today), but I don't feel like talking about it at least now. Maybe tomorrow? But right now, all I'm thiking is that I just don't want to go to next session.

God bless you all for listening. I really don't know how I would have done without this section and without you people. It's not like somebody else but you all can understand what it means going through this stuff.