Hi,

I stopped here and read your thoughts. I can see why you were encouraged to be a writer. That was not a bad suggestion for you.
You wrote a lot and had a lot to say and your writing style shows
possibilities.

Some of the most talented writers were observers of others. They didn't necessarily have a feel for interaction but, they had a real feel of imagining what they might like to see happen and instead of thinking about their weakness they used their weakness and put it into stories.

I can see by what you write, you were shopping for a charector for yourself. This is not uncomon in the years you have spoken about and where you are now. Twenty is still very young and most of the people your age have the same concerns that you have.

When you talk about your family I can see you were somewhat of an outsider. Your parents broke up and your mom was thinking about getting her life on track and so she wasn't paying attention to you. This is where some of the lack of courage comes from with girls. And your father started another family and your were left out there too. And the second woman that came into your life, your stepmom, was busy making a family of her own and so she didn't really connect with you.

So, all of that has only added to you lack of luster when it comes to yourself. But it does not mean that you are not worthy. And it doesn't appear that your parents took part in your social world either. So you have been on your own finding your way and lost.

Your temperment has always been a signal to them that you were ok, you probably weren't acting out and demanding their attention and they probably just figured, Oh well he is just being a teenager. I think they thought that you were somewhat passive and maybe content because you don't really talk. In fact, you are probably talking more here than you ever did with them.

I will tell you this, my daughter liked a guy kinda like you. She would get on the phone with him and he just wouldn't talk. So one day she told me, "Mom, I don't know to do, he doesn't talk" so I told what she could try.

I said, before you talk with him on the phone make a list of subjects that you can talk about. Keep in mind that he doesn't talk so that means that most of the conversation will be you asking him questions and you will get short replies. So be prepared for that. Also think about things you did that day or that week so that you can tell him that too.

So, my daughter did just what I advised and she now knows how to talk to boys. She said it was hard work. lol But what she didn't realize is that she was also teaching this young man to talk to girls. So, in a way I did them both a favor.

Well my daughter is 27 and they didn't stay together went off to college in separate directions but, every year he calls and wishes her a happy birthday. Isn't that nice? She cant believe it, he never forgets. He finally learned how to talk and have a girlfriend. But, no one ever talked to him like my daughter.

So, you haven't wasted your life, your life is just beginning and you don't really have to know who you are yet. But I can tell you this, you cant be other people. But you can still watch other people and what your doing is ok because you are mingling with different groups and watching how they act. Keep that in mind someday because you may write about it more than you have here. And you may write about it creatively.

I also think that it would be good for you to try to make friends with a girl, someone funny and very friendly. Tell her right up front that you are shy and you would like to learn how to talk to girls better. If this girl you pick is a genuine funny nice girl, she will help you.

And the other advice here is good too. The advice that says, keep going to school and learning the general requirements. And it will come to you
eventually. I would also suggest that you try to maybe donate your time
where you can be around children maybe at a grammer school or library reading to them. There are little girls that can chat there too and they may break the ice for you to be around girls your own age. Also some girl more your age may notice that you like children and be more apt to join in and get to know you better and visa versa.

If you take my suggestion and try to get to know a girl that you may not necessarily be attracted to if you get turned away, it wont bother you.
It can be a way to practice your skills in just learning how to talk to girls.

I am now writing as much as you. Give it some thought, and don't be hard on yourself, after all your just growing up. Your a freshman and all freshman are nervous even if they don't show it.

Open Eyes