She is in the process of studying EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique)to use with me. She knows how much I shut down and this particular method is supposed to help you tap into those emotions/feelings you are struggling with. When I look at it, it looks rather silly. But when you get desperate enough, you will try anything!

In her defense, (because I feel guilty for talking bad about her), she did prompt me quite a few times today. But those prompts were open ended questions. We would sit in silence for a while, then she would say something to me. Most of the time, I totally ignored her. Not that I wanted to, but I could not talk. That is NOT normal for me at all.

When I got too distant she would call my name, "Squiggle? Did you hear me? Do you want me to repeat the question?" If I said anything at all it was, "What question?" So, she may have said a lot more than I recall, but I was so emotionally numb that I did not hear her. As for the repeated assignments, she did add one more thing today. "I want to work on how you can stop the negative thoughts you keep telling yourself. Pay attention to what you are telling yourself. Stop yourself from going there. Use the skills we have talked about (REBT) to rethink those thoughts."

One other thing that happened before I even got there. She emailed me this morning that we would have to end our session at 4:00 today because she had an unexpected issue come up. We normally go from 3:00 - 4:30. I only pay for the hourly session, but we always go over.

She told me that it had nothing to do with the (ugly) email I sent her earlier in the week. She said, "I am not mad at you, ignoring you, abandoning you, rejecting you, or any other thing that you may be telling yourself. This is just for today. We need to end on time."

She knows that any little thing that messes with our appointments stresses me out. It can send me into an anxiety attack! I told her that I didn't think I would come today, but wait until next week. My appointment is Friday, April 8th. This would mean that I would have had 18th days between sessions! I felt that would be far worse than if I just came on in today. Not sure if I made the right decision or not. I think no matter what I chose to do, I would have been miserable.

Something else that is probably fueling my anxiety is that our appointments have not been consistent. I normally go on Mondays. This past month, I went on a Tuesday, the next week was Wednesday, this week was Thursday, and next week is Friday.

After that one, we are back to Monday. I can't deal well with so much change. She normally does not do this. I am the only client that she sees at 3:00. I know she is just working this out for me. She has issues with picking her girls up after school when her husband is out of town and her babysitter can't do it for her. That is why the days have been moved around so much this month. I hope it gets straightened back out.

When she knows that I am stuck she will ask me to tell her what I need from her. She says this helps me learn to reach out to others and ask for help. She thinks that my low self esteen and low selfworth keep me from reaching out to others. She says that I am to use her to help me gain more confidence to be able to ask for help.