So, last night I was in this place of feeling unsure about my relationships.

This morning, I was SOUND asleep and kind of aware of my H in bed with me. He had to get up at 2:30 to work (at home) and I knew he had come back to bed. I remember he felt really cold and was curling up with me. I was sleeping and dreaming and the alarm went off and I couldn't believe it was time to get up, because I was SOOOO tired and SOOOO deep in sleep. I said "oh my god, are you kidding me?". About what, I don't know. Maybe about having to wake up.

H took it as a rejection and jumped out of bed and was like "bye, I'm going to work" (90 minutes early). I was so confused - half-awake and half-asleep - and was trying to wake up and figure out what was going on. And he was storming out of the room.

So, I jumped out of bed and grabbed a robe and came downstairs. He's mad at me, but it's SO not fair, because i was ASLEEP (I still feel half asleep) and I didn't do anything. I know he was wide awake because he'd been awake for hours at that point, so maybe we were just in different places, but I was just confused (still am). I started crying, HARD. It's so triggering to me to wake up and have someone be angry at me, when I was SLEEPING. It's scary and doesn't feel fair and is way way way too reminiscent of my childhood.

And it comes on top of all of my insecurities yesterday about friends. I don't know what is going on, but I'm sad and scared and disappointed in myself. No matter how hard I try, I can't do this right. I'm not awake enough to find the part of me that can be gentle with myself, and all I am is a pile of triggers and fear.

I hate me.