Thanks, everybody for your responses. OpenEyes, I read your PM and will respond today at some point. Thanks for taking the time to do that.

So many thoughts. It DOES feel like the damage done is indellible. I'm a 57 year old man who by all appearances has the perfect life. A job I'm good at & one I feel I was made to do. 3 years from retirement. Live in a beautiful home with my wife who adores me. A son who is serving in Iraq - and another one who has given me 3 WONDERFUL grand babies. No worries. But on the inside I'm a twisted - scarred - broken 6 year old who's trying to make sense of it all. Who hurts and feels different and alone with his feelings. No matter how much support - or kind words - I receive it just doesn't "get in." I hear them - and they're great to hear - but I can't MAKE MYSELF feel them. I heard it one time described as like being an M&M. Hard shell on the outside - soft on the inside. Whatever.

I hope I get to the "forgiveness" part someday. Whoever said it is correct - this pain and anger IS consuming me - and making it nearly impossible to truly enjoy the life I've been given.

So for what it's worth, I've printed out my original post (somebody suggested that) & plan on seeing if my T wants to read it when we meet next week. I guess maybe together we can begin to figure all this out.

Again, thanks all for your responses. Means an awful lot!

Lavalamp