You're right. I KNOW you're right.

But I think I see an old pattern starting, and I don't like it, and it's scaring me.

I have a son with autism, and when he was little, he didn't talk. His occupational therapist recommended that we try taking him off of dairy and gluten (because that makes a big difference with some ASD kids), and I fought it and then finally gave in because he was SO out of control and I wanted to try to help him and figured it was worth a shot.

I took him off of dairy first, and within a few days, he could name (verbally!) his colors. I was shocked. It wasn't what I was expecting at all...I was just hoping his temper tantrums would go down and he would be a little more "in the world" with us instead of in his own little head. It never even occurred to me that he might start talking, until he did.

That is how this feels. I wanted to take a break, and I did have certain expectations - that I would miss T, that I would learn how it feels to not have him in the background of my days for support, that I would see where I was at. I thought if anything, I might have trauma flashbacks, or just miss him so much that it undid me. Those things haven't happened.

What I DIDN'T expect was that this old pattern of REALLY feeling not good enough, and of feeling everyone is going to be angry at me and hate me, would come back. I forgot that was even a pattern for me, because it's been so long since it felt this bad. But here it is. I can't find my SELF. It's all about taking care of everyone and trying to make sure no one is angry. And, in the end, I think it's actually just MAKING people angry.

It scares me because it was SO unexpected and it's still SO powerful. I feel like I don't have to tools to deal with it, but I must. I just don't know what they are. I am trying to get quiet and find Me and find my higher power and figure out the next right thing to do, but I am a little paralyzed with fear, and a little lost. The thing with H this morning feels like a symptom of something bigger that is cropping up and it scares me and makes me sad.

The thing is, T hasn't called back, which makes me think he's probably not in the office today. And I know he's taking at least part of next week off, so the chances of him having any openings next week are pretty slim.

I think I just have to get through this. I just have to remember HOW.