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Apr 01, 2011, 01:28 PM
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Member Since: May 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 1,309
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I'm struggling. I am REALLY struggling.
It's taken me so long to admit it to anyone because my life has just been getting better and better. I have an amazing fiance, I have moved to a new home, hundreds of miles away from where all the abuse happened, I have a job, I am a model, I am a good musician and I am a very good person.
So why do I feel so terrible?
Basically it started a few weeks ago when I'd go to the train station to go to work and ever since then, every so often the thought of 'what if I jumped in front of a train?' has crossed my mind and today, I so nearly did it. I so nearly took that step and did it.
I have been so, so positive and so determined to recover from this but people keep making it harder for me and it seems that it's never gonna be easy for me, that I'm always gonna struggle like this. I am happy with how my life is. Okay, things have happened that have hurt and work isn't going so great anymore and I'm still struggling with money and moving etc and my Birth Mother is being very hurtful towards me... But I'm happy with how my life is mostly.
I just feel like now that I'm fixing everything, slotting it all into place, everyone thinks I'm fine and can cope and get on with my life, that I don't suffer with depression anymore. For goodness sake, it doesn't happen overnight! I tried purging the other night because I was feeling so awful about myself, but David (fiance) got there too quickly and knocked on the bathroom door, which just made me feel even worse. Eurgh.
So again, I've been thinking about suicide and self harm, about going back to my ED and all that crap. But hope keeps screaming "HELL NO LADY! YOU'VE WORKED TOO DAMN HARD TO BE WHERE YOU ARE NOW! SITDOWN!" Something inside me stops me doing it. I think it's mostly down to Dave. Knowing that he totally adores me and would feel so guilty for not being able to help because I hadn't told him about how I was feeling. But moreso because of myself. I will NOT give up on 6 months self harm/suicide free. Knowing that I'd have to start all over again really upsets me. And knowing that it'll just ruin my modelling career even more hurts even more.
My manager at work has been not giving me day shifts because of my scars. She's been discriminating against me because of my scars, ever since she first saw them. I found out through one of the girls I've become really close with and she cried when she told me. I'm really hurt by it. I used to work with knives every day for God's sake! And that company never said a word about my scars! They put their faith in me and it paid off! So why, is the manager of a BAR, discriminating against a member of her bar staff who hasn't got a SINGLE fresh cut or scar, who hasn't cut in 6 months and who doesn't touch knives at work??
Because it's "not professional and will put customers off." DISGUSTING LOAD OF BULLS**T. I'm totally at a loss for what to say or do and I feel so utterly let down 
I'm gonna stop whinging now.. I guess I just wanted someone to show me that they care and let me know that things will be okay and just listen. I feel so awful lately.
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