So, session today. And we talked more about my emotional armor, something I journaled about.
The question was, why not lay it down? I said, I can't! It's too thick, it's too attached, it's like a second skin, it will feel like ripping away a part of me! I asked if the point of therapy was to strip this away.....she said, no! The point is, learning to lay aside the armor or parts of it in safe situations, to think of it as something you can put on and take off as you need to, rather than something heavy you must wear ALL the time! She said, no, you don't have to lay it down for good, it is something that has served you well and still does, but you need to think of it differently and learn how/when to lay it down.....
So my HW for this week is to think of ways to safely lay down my emotional armor and to think of ways to differentiate myself from it, that is, to think of it as something separate from me, something I could take off rather than something that is meshed into me! Gosh, what an assignment! Not complaining, but she is really challenging me again.....which is good! This is a core issue, a huge part of my whole pattern of being that needs change and healing.....
Of course, she does want me to come to the place I feel safe to lay down the armor or more of it in session, but she also made it clear she understands there's no therapeutic value in pushing me into that.....or in stripping the armor from me, so to speak, though I have sort of wished that she just would, in a metaphorical sense, simply yank it off me! But it's my choice if/when I do, if/when I feel safe enough to do so....I think journaling/talking about it is progress toward doing it. But like I said to her, I am getting frustrated......like she said, journaling is a safe way to lay down some armor and let her see inside me, and keep the armor on in session.....but I am getting frustrated with keeping the armor on like that, and want to actually lay it down in session! Not just write, but talk, feel, show more in session! I said this, and she said, Good!
Gosh, I wish progress was faster.....
As she said, though, we did just have an instance where I wasn't safe, where I was hurt, where I needed the armor even in session.....the hug thing. Yes, still talking about it. She brought it up! Said again she had not handled it therapeutically and recognized that it made me feel unsafe......and that it took continued courage and toughness on my part to keep coming, to keep trusting her, to even want to work on laying down the emotional armor with her when I was so hurt.....
But I do still trust her.....and am willing still to try to learn to lay down my emotional armor and just be with my feelings in session.....because I know T cares very much for me and my feelings.....