I think I did have a hurt already, with the whole hug thing with T......and maybe in a sense, this is one shield that I let down, a guard I let down, I let my needs show, and there has been hurt....I think here, though, even though I have been honest in telling T the hurt, I haven't felt, showed the emotion of it in session, just like I haven't felt, showed the emotion much of other things I have told. So, the mouthpiece is down, but the breastplate is still in place over my heart! Only in my journaling does T see some of what is behind there.....while I sit and watch her read, I am in my armor, yet feeling so naked, too...... Anyway, I am still sort of afraid of her or being so exposed in front of her, gentle and gracious as she is being now, and not feeling safe enough yet after the recent wounds suffered in therapy....but, fear or not, I am still going to keep trying!
I am sure somehow this isn't making much sense or sounds sort of melodramatic, some sort of poetic playing with words......here I am constructing word images of my pain, of my feelings, when I just need to feel them, and leave off the metaphorical musing about them.....I'm getting irritated at myself and my patterns here, sorry.
There are online classes, a community college and a private college here in town.....I think my past credits may still transfer, should I choose to do this. I wonder if my T would chuckle at me if I told her this came into my mind, or that someone suggested it to me?!?!