This is the ONLY place where I am authentic and real. The only place that I feel safe enough to say it. I am not sure that I could ever do this in real life. Others do see me as being very plain spoken. I don't see it because I really don't say what I think. I guess if I did, I may blow them away!

I hold back a lot in what I tell people face to face. Obviously, they see it differently because I have heard all my life that I am plain spoken. I don't know any other way to be. It would be like telling me that I am a brunette when I have been a blonde all my life. The connection just isn't there. My brain tells me I am a blonde, I see a blonde in my reflection, yet others tell me they see a brunette. I don't see her at all. If I saw her, I don't think I would like her. Being plain spoken makes me sound like a mean insensitive person. That would not describe me at all. If anything, I am overly sensitive!

When they tell me I am plain spoken, they are not referring to a person who just tells it like it is with no regard to other's feelings. What they mean is that I say things that alot of people are thinking, but do not have the courage to say it out loud. This still makes me sound like a mean spirited person who is not considerate of others.

I don't know how I got off on all that! Maybe it has something to do with the email I sent my therapist early this morning. Yes, I told her that I was angry with her and told her why. That was one of the assignments she gave me to work on. I went ahead and sent it because I knew if I waited, this anger would pass and she would never have seen this side of me. I would have gone into our next session and acted like everything was just fine!

Now, I will worry myself to death at how she will take it. I know, I shouldn't worry so much about this, but I do. Fear of rejection and abandonment!

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