This is the email I sent to my therapist earlier this morning. Yes, I was angry, but she TOLD me to do this assignment. She TOLD me to journal my feelings and bring them to our next session. She said she wanted me to be honest and not say, "I don't know why I am mad at you." She then said, "You do know why you are mad at me and you need to express those FEELINGS!"

To my therapist,

(Warning: Anger is talking and this may be a bit ugly. Anger wants to be heard! Please don't stop reading after the first few paragraphs. You may be surprised by the time you get to the end of this!)

I would just like to tell you how angry I am with you. I am so mad at you that I hope I never see you again!! The more I think about you just sitting there staring at me, the angrier I get. The more I think about our last (worthless) session, the madder I get. What a waste of time and money!!

You asked me to think about (explore) why I am mad at you. Okay, I am mad at you because you are not helping me. You are making me do ALL THE WORK!! Most of the time you answer my questions with another (stupid) question! I can ask my own self stupid questions. I can sit in the front of a mirror and feel that someone is staring at me. Why can't you look at the wall, the door, or the floor?

You want me to feel things? I FEEL angry at you. I FEEL mad at you. I FEEL like I am never setting foot in your office again. That is how I FEEL! Is this what you want me to do? Get angry with you? If is it, then you have succeeded. Congratulations!

Another reason I am mad at you is because I have no idea what you are doing. What exactly are you trying to do with (to) me? Where is this going? Why can't you talk more and let me listen to your 'words of wisdom'?

I don't know what I am doing, you are the expert. You are the one who is supposed to be telling me how I can help myself. You are the one who is supposed to be guiding me through this. I do not FEEL that you are! You are just making me sick to death of talking about the same things over and over and over. That is what you are doing. Can we please move on! For crying out loud, can we talk about something else!!

Wow! This is getting it all out isn't it? I hesitated to send this to you, but it feels d**** good to do it! I want you to know how mad I am at you. I want you to know just angry I FEEL right now. That is just plain insane to tell someone that you know you will see in a week, that you are so mad at them that you would like to tell them off to their face!

Lord help, did I say see you in a week? You have got to be kidding me! Why in the world would I put myself through this again? What am I thinking will be any different next time? I already know what we will talk about.

I already know the agenda, so what is the point!! Blah, blah, blah....and I will be thinking, "Will you please SHUT UP and talk about something else. Go get one your books off that shelf and let's pick a different topic for a change! Geez!!! there has got to be something else we can talk about!"

Why do I even bother coming back week after week? "I DON'T KNOW!!!" Does it make you mad when I say that? "I DON'T KNOW" I hope it drives you nuts. That way we are both mad and thinking we are driving each other nuts!!

By Sunday, I will more than likely calm down and come to my senses. Then I will not want to go back and do this part of my blasted homework. I will ignore these feelings and probably not share them with you. Why? because it is being disrespectful. That's why.

At the moment, I don't really care about being respectful. Does this mean I am acting in an inappropriate way? You are confusing me about all this. If I don't tell people that I am angry with them, how am I going to get better? Just go and smash glass plates in the garage and tell the person off while I am doing it?

They would never know how angry I am with them, so what is the point? I am just doing the same thing I have always done. AVOID CONFLICT at all cost! Stuff down these emotions and eat until I make myself sick. You can look at me and see just how much I stuff down emotions. I have an extra 100 pounds of stuffed emotions weighing me down!(Of course, I know that you can't go around telling people off and I would never do that.)

Have you ever gotten so angry that you busted out laughing? The intensity of the emotion was so strong that your brain didn't know what to do? It becomes confused and doesn't know whether to hit something or fall out in the floor laughing!!

I am almost laughing by now because of how insane and ridiculous it is for me to be this mad and angry with you. What exactly have you done to me? I DON'T KNOW! But I am really angry with my therapist right now. I don't like her and I think she is a quack! She is not helping me and I am sick to death of doing the same things every time I am with her. Why can't we do something different!

I posted something with my online support group after we met on Thursday. The subject line read: 'The WORST session of my life!" Within 24 hours that thread has had more than 1200 views. They must have inquiring minds! I guess they are actually interested in what I have to say (rant and rave about). Yes, they are fully aware that I am angry with you.

You know what makes me even more angry? They think YOU are right! They think our last session may have actually been a breakthrough. Breakthrough? What exactly did I break through?

TO MY PC FRIENDS: Don't take this next part wrong. I am NOT mad at you guys. I am just making a point with my therapist. YOU guys are right with everything you told me. I appreciate your support, so don't take this the wrong way. I am being sarcastic about it. I need you to tell me the truth when I have an issue, and I don't want you to jump on my side just because you don't want to hurt my feelings. Thank you for being honest with me. Your input and words of wisdom are so valuable for me to continue on this journey to healing.

Some of my friends had the audacity to say, (1) "Didn't you say that anger was one of the feelings that she wants you to get in touch with? Because it sounds like you have found it!!"

(2) "Based on your description of this session, I think it may have been one of the more "productive" sessions. But those are the ones that feel like the worst."

(3)"You know something? I REALLY LIKE YOU !!! You are not nuts at all. And yes, I was thinking "YAY! You are doing such a good job expressing your feelings! I really do like you a lot after reading this post from you just now. Why? Because you were being so authentic and real. And THAT is what your T is trying to bring out in you."

(4) "I know you probably won't like my answer, but I am being honest. It sounds like you have a therapist who wants to help but she can only do so much and this is upsetting for you and makes you feel angry as you want her to sort things out more and take charge, that's understandable."

(5) "You are very much your own person. I really hope you're not mad, but I agree with your T. She cannot make you do anything. It's all coming from you and you're doing amazing work together!"

They are just making this worse by telling me you are a very competent therapist who has my best interest at heart. I want them to join me in this ANGER party, but they won't let me wallow in my self pity. They actually think you know what you are doing and do your job well. They seem to like you!

Although I do agree with them most of the time, I am still mad at you, so I don't want to interrupt this time of anger and think anything positive about you. That would just ruin this tantrum I am having. I like this anger tantrum. In some strange way it is making me feel good!

I am like, "Yeah, you go girl! Tell her how you REALLY feel! Tell her how mad you are at her. Don't hold back now. What have you got to lose? She may kick you out, but who cares!! You are constantly saying how much you hate going to therapy, so why would that bother you if she terminates you?"

While my online friends are sympathetic to my feelings and understand why I am angry and upset with you, they are telling me to TRUST you. They are encouraging me to keep going to therapy no matter how I FEEL!

Why should I do that? Put myself through misery week after week after week? One thing I do hope to gain from this is to stop eating my emotions and lose those extra 100 pounds. I guess I need to add that to my goals.There I go again. Talking like I am planning to continue on this insane trip with you. What keeps me coming back? I don't know, because I sure don't like you very much right now.

Okay, I bet I did it this time, didn't' I? Crossed the line? Well if I did, then I did. I just wanted to GET THIS OUT!!! This is raw honest truth and isn't that what therapy is all about? Phew! I feel like I just lost 20 pounds writing this all out.

Now I will probably switch to severe anxiety worrying about how you will take this. No, I do not think we should treat our therapists as a punching bag. That was not my intent. I was just doing the assignment you gave me to do.

I felt that by doing it while I was experiencing the emotion would give you a more authentic view of what I FEEL. If I waited to bring this to our next session, I would never have done that. I would realize how 'ugly' and disrespectful it sounds. This would have been deleted and never shown to you.

Client
(aka Squiggle)