Thanks for all of your replies. I figured that many of you would be on her side. Maybe I will in a few days, but right now I am wondering what she is there for? What exactly is her job? To be a sounding board? To listen to all my crap? To give me a pat on the back when I do something good?

Her job IS to be a sounding board and to listen to "all your crap" and to pat you on the back so you can learn to pat yourself on your own back. At least that's my thought, could be wrong.

I want her to initiate more than she does. I know that sessions are supposed to be "all about me", but ME needs some help sometimes! I do not want to do all the talking. I want her to DO SOMETHING besides sit there and look at me!

That's totally valid, wanting her to initiate some more. Are you the type of person who likes others to take charge and tell you what to do? If that's the case, maybe she's trying to push your boundaries and out of your comfort zone. You don't have to like it, I sure don't.

I do not want to go to therapy to have this strange kind of relationship. What is she doing for me other than listening to me vent, cry, and complain about how pitiful my life is? I have done this for a year now. What now? Where are we going now? There are no more skeletons, no more stories, nothing I can pull out that would shock her.

Some days it is more about complaining than actual steps towards a goal you might have for therapy. That's okay. Seriously. What are your goals for therapy anyhow?

I really did not feel any painful emotions while I was in session. I was more numb than anything. The only reason I teared up was because I had brought music with me. Those songs really touched me. I always cry to those songs, so that was no big deal and had nothing to do with painful emotions. (I am sure my therapist will disagree. She always does!)

"Feeling your feelings". Gah. I'm supposed to work on that, apparently you're allowed to express your feelings and have feelings but sometimes it just doesn't feel right. It feels downright rude to tell someone off if they're pissing you off. But sometimes it's appropriate I guess.
I wonder what she was thinking. Probably something like, "I wish you would get your big fat ***** off my couch and go home! You are not talking anyway and you are wasting my time! Go home you pathetic loser! Don't let the door hit you in the ***** on the way out! Don't bother coming back until you can get your act together! I have better things to do than sit here and look at you sitting here staring at the wall!

Mind-reading: A cognitive distortion, just pointing that out.

I am sorry to be so ANGRY! I am not even sure what I am angry about. I try to talk with my husband and he seems to find it amusing and kinda funny that I am acting like this is such a big deal.

He says, "Obviously therapy is working to get you this upset. She must be doing something right to get you so worked up." (He then grins to himself)

That makes no sense at all. I can get mad and upset without having to pay for it! What is the point of her making me mad? What good is that doing??

Why do you think your husband said that? Did you ask him, could you ask him for further clarification? Therapy isn't about feeling good. It's about going through all the **** and hopefully feeling better at the end.

I know, you guys are thinking, "YAY! Squiggle. You are doing such a good job expressing your feelings!" To that I would like to say, "SHUT UP!"

But I am not going to do that because deep down I am seeing that what you are telling me is the truth!!! Just let me be mad a little longer, okay?? Like I said, in a strange way, it feels great to be this mad and angry with her. I am going to embrace this anger while I can.

I think I am nuts! I am actually smiling while writing this. It makes me feel good!! What is up with that???

Anger is cathartic, it's a release. Same as sadness and crying, but both are also different. It feels good to tap into all the stored anger and energy and to be able to feel it and then release it. Just remember to try to do it in a non-harmful way. You're not nuts, you're human. You're allowed to be angry at people, it's totally normal if they don't act the way we want or do something we disagree with - anger is a natural response.

PS. Your email was really good.

This is the ONLY place where I am authentic and real. The only place that I feel safe enough to say it. I am not sure that I could ever do this in real life. Others do see me as being very plain spoken. I don't see it because I really don't say what I think. I guess if I did, I may blow them away!

Glad you have a place to feel safe. That's really important. Random question, but how would your therapy have to change or what would have to change for you to feel somewhat safe with your therapist?

When they tell me I am plain spoken, they are not referring to a person who just tells it like it is with no regard to other's feelings. What they mean is that I say things that alot of people are thinking, but do not have the courage to say it out loud. This still makes me sound like a mean spirited person who is not considerate of others.

Saying the truth may make you feel meanspirited, but you're doing something others wish they could do - telling it like it is. That's a talent.

I don't know how I got off on all that! Maybe it has something to do with the email I sent my therapist early this morning. Yes, I told her that I was angry with her and told her why. That was one of the assignments she gave me to work on. I went ahead and sent it because I knew if I waited, this anger would pass and she would never have seen this side of me. I would have gone into our next session and acted like everything was just fine!

Now, I will worry myself to death at how she will take it. I know, I shouldn't worry so much about this, but I do. Fear of rejection and abandonment!

Squiggle