((((((((((PG))))))))))))

I used to tell T that I could almost SEE a big brick wall between him and me. And I could. I wanted him "over there" and me "over here" and I didn't want to be seen, I didn't want to feel, I didn't want to let him in. I remember him finally asking once, "is there one brick that you could remove? just one?" and when he asked that, I realized I could. I could remove one. We talked about where in the wall the brick was, and I took it out.

Over the next MANY months, we would sometimes talk about taking out another brick. And eventually, it was more of a SMALL wall...not floor to ceiling, but maybe knee high..something that could protect me, but that I could still see over. Sometimes I had to build it back up again, and it was okay. It was easier each time to take out those bricks.

The wall is almost always gone now. Sometimes it comes back, but not very often. I couldn't have done it all at once, but slowly over time, T and I took it down together.

And the same is true of my armor. I shed it bit by bit, always keeping it nearby, and always allowing myself to pick it back up if I needed to.

At one point, I realized I had another layer of armor I didn't even know about. The wall was down, the armor was off...but it was like there was another layer of armor built right around my heart. That one has been hard to get rid of, but I'm open to it, and I'm working on it.

It doesn't have to happen all at once, PG. I think the first step is realizing it's there, and the next step is being WILLING to even consider letting it go. You are on your way