Yes. I felt that sudden shattering of the rose-colored-glasses after my session this past Monday when my T told me he had not read my emails. At the time it really hit me full force because in session he had told me about helping a friend of his out the day before about some stuff... the conversation directly related to what I am going through with some issues so it was on-topic. But I sat there and just was totally drowning in the stark reality of how T was there for his friend... but didn't have 5 min to read what I sent him.

I am thankfully more numb about it now and I was able to understand the situation from my adult mind. I know I am not his friend. I don't like working when not at work, so why should he? I get it.

But it also made the switch inside flip over to me remembering he is not my friend - just like my mom when she told me at 14 "I am your mother, I am NOT your friend."

Ok. A boundary. I can respect that. I don't emotionally understand it because of my abuse history, but I know full well how to respect walls like that and how to stay 50 yards away from invisible electric fences.

I still don't know about things. I like my T when we are together. But like you point out, there is just the reality of the situation. I was emotionally curious about my T - wondering what he liked to do when he was chilling and such. And I was so happy when he would share those precious bits about himself with me. For some reason, now that this has happened, I wish I didn't know anything about him at all. I wish even that I never had to return to therapy because of this strangeness. It is helping me, but I am too closed off to the world in so many ways to allow myself to actually open up the way I did and let myself care what he thought.

Not sure if any of that makes sense. But yeah. I hear you.