There are things in my past that we are working on, but the major thing she keeps bringing up is for me to embrace my anger. To show my anger. To let it out! I did not believe her for a long time that I even had anger issues. I saw anger as a weakness.

I have learned that anger is a secondary emotion to hurt, pain, fear, anxiety, etc...so I am trying to allow myself to FEEL anger and realize that it does not make me a bad person.

My issues have a lot to do with my marriage. My husband's addiction to pornograpy and trying to get over his multiple online affairs. I also struggle with being his caregiver. As most of you know he is a quadriplegic. I dress him, bath him, take care of his personal needs (ostomy care for bowel movements and catheter to urinate). I transfer him in and out of his wheelchair, etc....Trying to learn how to live in this environment without letting it kill me is what I struggle with. I have been doing this for 18 years. It has not always been this critical, but it has always been something hard for me to deal with.

I have a lot of anger that my life is like this. I FEEL cheated. That makes me feel guilty and then the cycle is never ending. I beat myself up a lot! This is what she keeps harping on. That I need to allow myself to be upset, disappointed, discouraged, mad, angry, etc... and not blame myself for having those feelings. I won't allow myself to FEEL those things because I think it makes me a bad person. He cannot help the condition he is in.

I also cannot help feeling so lonely, isolated, and disappointed that my life is so different from everyone else that I associate with. I cannot do the things that my friends can do. That makes me sad.

She is working on helping me express my anger. She will not let up on that! I know she is right. I know that is something that is keeping me from being the person I want to be. It is also why I am so overweight.

I FEEL guilty for even sharing this with you. I FEEL guilty that I cannot just get over this and take care of him without feeling so upset about it. I try not to let it show. I try to hide this from others. I don't want them to think badly about me if I say that I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to do this the rest of my life. I FEEL trapped with no way out.

Anyway, that is my story. I FEEL guilty all the time because I cannot handle this caregiver lifestyle. She wants me to show anger and stays on me all the time about it! We talk about ANGER all the time!! I want her to stop making me go there. She is doing what I need her to do. But I don't like it at all.