((((((((Squiggle))))))))))

When my son was diagnosed with autism (and in the years leading up to the diagnosis), I struggled a lot with my feelings about it. Because it doesn't feel "right" to be angry about something that someone else can't control. My sweet boy can't help having autism, and I honestly love him exactly how he is. AND at the same time, for many years, I couldn't do things my mom friends could do. While they sat and chatted at play groups at the park, I had to follow him around or he would wander off and be lost. I did feel angry that I was missing out on connecting with other people. While they were telling about all of the milestones their kids were reaching, I just had to listen, because our milestones were so different. And while I took joy in those milestones, I felt sad too. He has to be on a special (expensive!) diet, and it's hard to not have extra money for things, to have to make so much extra food for every little social gathering, etc.

It is okay to have feelings - even BIG feelings. Feelings aren't bad. It really really really is okay to be angry, to be sad, to feel hopeless, to feel scared. Your feelings don't make you a bad person. I find so much joy in my son that I can't even express it...but the joy and the love and the hard stuff can all be there at the same time.

I wonder if there is a support group for caregivers in your area? Or even online? I know that when I talk to other moms of kids with special needs, it's like getting a glass of water in the desert. It helps so much to find out that we are not alone, that other people share our experiences, and have had just the same feelings we are having.

I also wonder if there is any way to get some help with caring for your husband? A friend of mine who has a son with very severe autism gets money from the state to have a respite worker come and help with him at various times throughout the week. I bet just a little bit of help would make a big difference.

You are important. You matter. Your feelings matter. All of that is so true, I wish I could write it a million times for you.

Be gentle with yourself.