|
So I’ve been stable for a while now – reading back on my post it isn’t really all that long, but it feels like months and months. I’m not feeling any sadness out of place, happiness where it shouldn’t belong. Even had a few good nights out with the hubby. And the one no one wants to admit to…sex life has been great. I have been working hard on keeping my teenage daughter from slandering each other. Work has gone well, worked some extra hours, made to extra money, paid some extra overdue medical bills and even allotted some of that extra money to go buy myself a nice outfit for a reward of working hard.
So what is wrong? Why am I so concerned with all this? Every one keeps asking me if I am OK! Of course I am ok. For once in a long time, I am OK. Some one asked me other day – “you look different, what did you change?” “Nothing”, I replied, “I am finally me”. (Although, my hair was actually done, make up on, and not in sweat pants) I was feeling like me!
But I find I faithfully several times a day checking for my rescue medications, “Are they where I can get them? Yes, ok feeling secure”. I’ve always carried a razor blade with me, for at times have been known to cut when severely depressed and I am even checking to make sure that it is safely in its hiding place, yes, ok feeling secure. - I’m waiting for the hallucinations to creep up behind me. Look behind me, not there, ok feeling secure.
So if I’m feeling so great why am I so prepared for the bottom to fall out? Why can’t I just put it all behind me and enjoy what I got? I just can’t get this feeling out of my head, always in the back of my thoughts. Any suggestions on how to get ahead of this?
__________________
Always Keep Fighting
Last edited by Kymaro; Apr 03, 2011 at 09:41 AM.
Reason: type size
|