So ive made two other threads about my husband and trying to figure out his behavior. Turns out this is all my fault. I messed up majorly and i thought we had gotten past it but i guess i was wrong. What i did makes me seem like a crazy person but at the time i was very depressed and desperate. Its not something i normally would have done. Please dont judge me, i know its messed up. Its one of the few things i regret.

Before DH and i got married we hit a rough patch and he broke up with me. Things at work were stressing him and it caused issues at home. I was forced to leave my home and the man i loved dearly. And i knew he loved me back but he wouldnt stay with me. He wouldnt be honest with how he was feeling. I could tell he was hurting and i just wanted to make things better. I made a fake profile of a girl and started talking to him. Yes i know this was deceitful and just wrong. It was the wrong thing done for the right reasons. And it was helping so i felt like i couldnt stop. I got him to open up to this person and in the end "she" helped pull his head out of his ***. And he asked me to come home. We worked things out and i was able to move on from the past and the hurt he caused me. But what i did was eating at me. I highly value honesty in a relationship and i am a terrible liar. I had never, never lied to him or went behind his back. He could tell something was wrong but he let me tell him on my own time and I did. He had said that had actually went through his mind and although it pissed him off he could see that i did it because i loved him so much. everything was fine, nothing changed. Now over a month later he says this is the reason he is being like he is. that he is very frustrated and is trying to sort things out in his head and when he does we will talk. this scares me so much because it sounds like "i am trying to decide if i want a divorce and when i do decide i'll let you know"

He says he doesnt believe me when i say i trust him. and in the same breath says but its whatever i dont even care anymore. And now he doesnt trust me. He says it makes him question my honesty to him. I understand this, but i did not do this to purposely and harmfully decieve him. I just wanted him to get better, us to get better. I dont want to lose my marriage over this. I have apologized and said i was wrong. I moved on from his dishonesty and wrong doings. it was hard but i was able to put the past behind me.

i have never done anything to deceive him before and this kills me. i feel like there is no penance, except to lose him. I just want to save my marriage.

Please be easy with your comments....i am torn up about this severly. I know it was wrong and messed up. I'd never done anything like that before.