Something I've realized since starting my therapy break is that WAY MORE of what went on between me and T was "transference" than I thought. Our relationship was rupture, repair, rupture, repair, on and on and it FELT like it was about us, him and me....and in a lot of ways it was. But now that I don't have T, I see the same fears bubbling up with my friends that would bubble up with my T and create the ruptures. I guess I took all of the things that are scary for me in the "real world" and experienced them, in a big, big way, in my relationship with T.

I am positive T never purposely caused me pain. And I am positive that he doesn't like to see me in pain...but pain is part of learning and healing and growing sometimes. Now that I am navigating some of the same things with my friends and H that I have navigated with T, I can see that the pain was worth it in a way...because now I can see and name the fear, and can step back and try to figure out how to deal with it, instead of getting lost in it and just isolating myself to protect myself. It's still a clumsy process, but I'm learning, slowly.

I learned that in my relationship with T, I have to do just what stormyangels said...I have to be brave and open up and tell him if he does something and it hurts. He is a person and he makes mistakes...and I am a person and misinterpret things...and if we don't talk about stuff, it can get bigger and bigger. Bringing things into the light makes them something we can look at, and deal with.

I SO get the pain of therapy. It hurts and it's scary and it doesn't feel fair. But I really do believe that a good T never intentionally hurts us.

to you