Enjoy that nap--you deserve it! You've sure been on the roller coaster the last couple of days.

It's great that you could come to PC to express what happened and then honestly respond to the posts here! (Don't worry, I won't say the f-word.)

I'm wondering if some of the silence and wanting her to lead has to do with your T being an authority figure. Are you the sort of person who likes to give the "right" answer? Maybe. I just don't like to get stuck in our sessions. When that happens she kinda sits there. I want her to help me get unstuck! She will eventually, but it seems like she waits forever! I know that she is just allowing me to process, but I hate that silent time.

Do you want her to lead things because you're afraid of doing it wrong? I tend to do things different from the norm! What feels right for me is not normally what her other clients do. Bringing in music and listening to it for the first 10 minutes of my session. Sitting on the floor. Bringing a pillow and blanket at times. Walk around. Constantly change where I am sitting in the room. Having some random activity I want her to do with me, etc.. If I do something different, I will ask her, "Do any of your other clients do this?" She responds, "You do, and that's okay." That is her way of saying no one does it!

As for the silence thing, last session was actually the first time that happened. I knew it was coming, and when I think about it now, it was probably good for me to experience that! I tend to think that we need to talk all the time!

Wanting her to lead is because I feel that I have run out of things to share. I have told all my stories! I don't know what more to talk about. I want her to initiate for awhile.

Or is it that you kind of want her to be your caretaker and provide for your needs without you asking, maybe? Not sure about this one.

Someone said they worked up to writing notes to their T in person. Could you print your emails, and if you're silent you could point to the part you're thinking about or want from her? I take in typed pages of my homework assignment. They are normally 5 -10 pages long. I use a bigger font and spread it out alot so that it is easier to read. I guess if I did not do that it may condense down to 3 pages!

Sometimes I read them out loud, sometimes she does. Depends on what it is. Sometimes I ask her to read it silently.

Maybe you could do that even if you couldn't speak, and maybe T would see that as you leading and go along with it? I really don't have trouble speaking. It is just that I don't know what to talk about!

Your emails and descriptions are so thorough and evocative. I'm so glad you shared what happened. I'm glad you're feeling relieved about her email. Have a relaxing Sunday!!