<font color="purple">My re-introduction of sorts. I feel I need/want to share some more about me and some of my past experiences. I will try to be scarce in details, so as to not overwhelm, but I will also place a TRIGGER WARNING just in case.....

I was born to an alcoholic Vietnam vet depressed father and a depressed mother who was unwise to the world and lifestyle she married into. I was to be the "answer" to their troubles, but of course that didnt turn out to be the case. My father was a violent drunk, but never physically hurt my mother or I. He was the type that ripped phones out of walls, would argue everything, clear counters, take unnessecary risks with our lives, etc.... I was literally the rope in their tug of war, one parent one arm the other had my other arm. Mom and I left many times and stayed with relatives. I learned very young that one didnt speak unless spoken too and it was to be breif but polite. I learned to conceal my emotions because only a smile was acceptable. My father at one time was the president of a motorcycle gang ( a topic I am still not suppose to address in great detail). We were constantly surrounded by weapons, drugs, prostitutes, and much more. I witnessed my dad attempt suicide 3 times. My mom told me that when I was about 2 yrs old she wanted/tried to drown me. Her way of getting me out of the hell hole. She told me she use to leave me alone a lot when I was a baby - toddler age while I napped so she could visit people or do errands.

My experiences with sexual abuse started to memory around 4. I was gang raped by a cousin and 3 neighborhood boys. Then for yrs later that cousin and his friends used me as a testing tool. Then fondled by a grandfather at 14. There is a memory that is very vague of another assult by my dad's friend son at around 10 yrs of age. There is another experience that I am not ready to address. BTW none of this are my parents aware of, at least I know I have never told them.

My parents are now born again Christians (past 20 yrs) and we have a much closer and loving relationship. I struggle with wanting to tell them all that they dont know though... So there is a distance of sorts... And a bit of jealousy with my sister on my part.There is quite an age gap between us and therefore she never lived the hell I did, she only knows our parents as they are now. She has a much closer relationship with them esp. my mom than I do , and it is painful for me at times.

I first became aware that I had mental health issues the day I gave birth to my first child, i was 18 yrs old. Altho looking back, I see that it really started very young with the dissociation, S/I, etc... Many yrs went by before I got any help tho. I didnt get any support from family or friends. I isolated myself. My husband didnt begin to realize the extent of mental health until I was almost 29, when I had a huge breakdown and it was then he discovered that I was a S/I'r. BTW I am now 35 (in Feb) and he is 41 and we have been together for almost 20 yrs (Aug), married 17 yrs (April). I have been to many therapists but have a bad habit of not sticking it thru, same goes for meds. Next month I will be changing that and starting therapy again and the difference is this time I am looking for long term help and not that quick fix in desperation.

So far I have been dx'd as: Bipolar, OCD, S/I, anxiety/panic disorder, borderline schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, and PSTD.

Meds I have tried so far are: Proszac, Paxil, Celexa, Effexor, Klonopin, Lexapro, Wellbutrin, Lorazepam, and think that is it... Some worked great others not so well. Seems the dr's tend to treat my depression and anxiety more than anything else.

I didn't intend for this to get to be so long, sorry. And to think this is just a summary.

Anyway there it is.
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