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Apr 03, 2011, 11:13 PM
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Member Since: Nov 2010
Posts: 5,567
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without the meetings i would have been doomed, it was a place for me to stay and i knew i would be ok for that minute. as well as all the people, i actually ran across a card that my homegroup gave me , it 22 signatures and wonderful sayings in it. they pushed me to do things i didn't want to do and helped me come out of my shell (by always nominating me being secretary, and planner of picnincs, group outings and such) grrr.. 
It reminded me how accepted i was/am.
I was thinking about your "did you accept, or just admit" question all day, which says a lot because i normally just take what people have to say here with a grain of salt. then i got mad at you for asking me such a question. That had my answer right there. I usually only get mad at people with stuff like that when they hit a sore spot or may have truth. (i learned that over the years never understood why i got mad at people, it's me putting up that wall) 
i always knew i had a problem and i knew i was trying to harm myself in the begining of recovery i accepted it, i just wanted whatever it was to make me not live in reality, because i was not ready to face the things i was trying to escape from, that would of made what i was trying to escape from REAL, . after many 'backsliding' and then after a while of sobriety, my family never recognizes i have a problam we all just make like that point in my life never happened which is wonderful because they don't hold it over my head, but it makes it like i'm off scott free and i'm ok, honky dory. and my partner wont even let me talk about it becasue he looks at me like a deer in headlights and doesn't understand why i'm telling him. which i have to let things out if their on my mind.
so it feels like this distant past that's not really mine, and maybe acceptance has turned into not even admiting but a casual, oh yeah i just can't do that anymore.
i am going on i sruggle, but i move, it is difficult to learn the tools you need to live life as an adult rather than when your supposed to as a child, learning how to COPE. i didn't even realize there was another way till i found some tools in my 4 month inpatient, and to them i owe gratitude but still is not enough.
my addiction recognizes me, i do not want to recognize it. my addiction tells me lies, and i lie to myself when i believe it.
writing this and reading your first line of sentance i think i have been using excuses a lot more lately on why things don't get done in my life i haven't been wanting to love myself lately haha the queen of excuses.
I did 'positive therapy' with my live in group once, i had 30 people sit in a half circle around me and each person had to say three positive things about me and one negative, and since i lived with them already for going on 3 months they knew me pretty well. It workd wonders on seeing who you truly are, but you really need to be strong because i could see how it looks like a mob ganging up on you about your faults. which i already knew i had a lot 
anyways sorry for explaining and talking so much it's hard anyways getting things out but once i feel comfortable it goes and i know long posts can be frustrating sometimes. it's easier for me to talk to a screen and no one wants to hear about it anyways at least the people i am close to
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