My thoughts are all so scrambled right now, I saw my T last week thursday, told him about my friends suicide, and that all I think about now is suicide, he told me it was natural for people to think about it after a friend did it, I'm thinking of asking him if I should be hospitilized or not, I dunno what do, I'm starting to get a bit paranoid at the moment, thinking that all my friends are out to get me, and on top of it all the voice in my head is telling me what to do, it wants me to hurt people, my perspective over reality vs imagination is fading and I'm starting to think that this is all but a bad dream and that if i die I will wake up and it will all be over, I havn't cut in awhile, but at the moment that to is all I think about, I'm trying so hard to keep up a smile but in the wake of my friends death I feel that by doing so I'm not only lying to myself but to all those around me, truth be told I hate my life and all that goes with it, I find myself living in darkness and there is no light to guide me to where I want to go, except maybe in drugs but that i know is not the way to go. My thoughts are all so clouded right now, like there is this fog hanging over me, I think I might need a fog horn soon to find my thoughts and get them in to place.I find it hard to get out of bed sumtimes but i the end I always do cause I cannot smoke in the house so I have to get up and go outside if I wanna smoke so I guess smoking is good me then. I also find myself drinking alot more, I told my T this and he said that aint good. dark thoughts are all that I ever think about now like death and killing and chaos and destruction. Am I normal? What is normal? Who am I to say what is normal and what aint? The complexities of life, don't you just hate them?