Had a huge argument with my daughter's mother (I'll refer to her as A) tonight. I told A I knew about her telling my daughter that she needed to "behave better" to get A's husband to stay. He had been telling my daughter that it didn't matter anymore. He left a month ago, and A never told me.

I should add that my daughter is by no means out of control beyond having her priorities out of order. She is in an accelerated learning program for gifted students. As this situation has grown worse and worse and A's marriage fell apart, she has been having more and more problems at school. She stopped turning in assignments and absence notes. She is in danger of being kicked out of the program if she doesn't pull her grades up in one of her classes.

It's no wonder she's having problems at school. She feels like the failure of her mother's marriage is partially her fault. She constantly worries about her mother, taking on more of a caretaker role for her mother than A does for her. A reinforces the irresponsibility by wanting to spend time with her by watching movies late into the night on school nights. I've talked to her at length about it to try to alleviate some of the conflicted feelings. I'm going to seek out a therapist for her, which is much easier than finding one for myself. I have her covered on her own insurance plan.

I was weak tonight. I lost control and yelled at A quite thoroughly. I don't know why I feel guilty for that, but I do. It got a strange result, though. A finally, for the first time in many years, backed down. She finally said she wanted to try to work through this without letting our own problems get in the way. I have been trying to tell her for years that this situation doesn't have to be this hard, that we will have to deal with each other for many years to come, so we might as well make it easier and focus on our child. I reiterated that tonight and she agreed. I don't really know what to think. I have had breakthrough moments like this with her before but she would always fall back into the old patterns. I hope this time she sticks to it, but I'm not holding my breath. It's something, at least.

I'm in a complex place right now. My daughter is in so much pain. She told me how much this weekend. It was hard to take her back there, knowing very well that she might be punished for telling me. A was very cold to her when I dropped her off. I hope she is okay. I hate to do it, but I have to let go and try not to worry right now, or it will eat me alive.

P.S. Thank you all for your responses. I hope I can address your posts more directly in the future. Time is short, unfortunately. I hope you understand.