Ok, here I go. I have a brief reprieve from my parents' visit and made a note to myself to get back to you.

(this particular visit aside), I have had an increasingly bad relationship with my dad. As a little kid, I always cried if he tried to pick me up, pulled away when he has tried (and tries) to touch me, and even can't eat if he's sitting too close to my food. I TOTALLY understand the feeling of disgust. It's gotten even worse (until this visit) since I met my husband, who my dad decided instantly that he doesn't like, and makes no secret of it. But the part that bothers me the most is that he has very few interpersonal skills. He talks about himself nonstop -- on Friday night, we went to a restaurant and he gave a 43 minute (I timed him) monologue about how great he is and how hotel and airline staff treat him like a king because he is a frequent traveller and has lots of points. He never asks anyone questions about their opinions, feelings, or lives, but judges and criticizes based on what he is able to see without knowing any background. He is an arrogant, ostentatious, racist, elitist snob and most of his judgements about other people greatly offend me (and I'm really hard to offend).

(this visit aside), He comes out here to our home and points out every renovation flaw, saying how he could have done it better. Nothing is clean enough (and I have an exceptionally clean house), the food isn't good enough, he doesn't like his Christmas presents... it goes on and on. He literally ignores my husband when my husband goes to shake his hand or ask him polite questions. The rudeness astounds me.

If he weren't my dad, and an elderly one at that, I would never speak to him again. My therapist does not understand why I still try, since obviously it hurts me tremendously.

It's hard to explain how I feel about this. I think it's ok to dislike a parent, but I could never cut the tie completely. Family is family, and I might never like him, but he's my dad. I only have one biological parent remaining (my mom died when I was 15) and he is my last link to my history. And as much as I dislike the person that he is now, I do respect the life that he was forced to lead (eastern european refugee) and realize that the unfortunate events of his life contributed to the person he is now. He had a lot of heartache in his past, and I won't be the one to give him his last, no matter how much I hurt myself in the process. But, that's not to say that I'm not trying to set some boundaries, and my T has been hugely helpful with that.

Sorry, this ended up being really long. I didn't mean to hijack, but I do want to show that I can relate to what you're saying.

The things that helped me deal with him are:
- working with my T to accept that it's ok to dislike him, even if I will continue to function as his daughter
- I hate to say this, but taking Ativan before spending time with him helped immensely. I'm not taking it now, but in the past, taking anti-anxiety meds have kept me to a simmer instead of exploding
- I try to always keep in the forefront of my mind that his life was harder than mine will ever be, and that I need to respect the hardship that he endured

I understand, MacD. I'd love to work on boundaries together. Maybe we can help each other. Ironically, I did actually have a passably not-bad visit with him this past weekend (can't say good, but it wasn't as bad as usual) and I don't know if it's because of the boundary work I did with my T, or if he was just in a good mood. Or whatever. Anyway, I'd love to talk with you more if you're up for it. We can learn from each other, I think.