oh racee i'm so glad you are talking about this. i totally understand where you are now. at the crossroad. sounds like you've seen the other side and it gave you hope. lean on us. you needn't apologize about a long post. you are getting out all the pent up feelings, frustration, and fears that you can't make it. when i finally surrendered to the fact that i was alcoholic it freed me. sounds like a contradiction but it's true. you are on the right path. try not to resist the desire to live life to the fullest.you deserve it. your "story" is my story at one time. when i got sober they called me "miracle jan", my name is jan. they witnessed my long struggle. they kept encouraging me to keep trying.
i also was afraid of life. i ran from it into the bottle. i believed what alcohol promised....joy, avoidance of pain, oblivion. what it promised like you said was a lie. it takes away your very soul. is evil. will destroy us. creates a void. i drank cause the dog died. i drank cause he lived. any excuse imaginable to justify my drinking. so i understand that too.
i will do what i can to help you. i do care about you. that's one of the reasons i'm at pc. to help those who suffer just like i suffered. to try to offer hope. to "listen."
you can pm me any time if you're comfortable with that.